Imagine you get 350 people who have consistently hidden, ignored or marginalized a similar, crucial part of their lives. Then imagine you’ve put these 350 people in an enormous space together for three days, given them power, and let them play.
Floating World was not a culture shock. Floating World was a culture validation. An absolute, no questions asked validation, warm as a big gooey oven, warm as my hands deep inside a gorgeous girl. I come out of the weekend, back to the shock treatment of database software and street meat lunches, with four words to claim. Four words that I have made and will make my own.
The first word is pansexual.
“Pansexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love and/or sexual desire for people regardless of their gender identity or biological sex.”
I was walking down the hall of the convention center, 6pm on Saturday night, and Jen and Blaise were cuddling by a wall. I had just gotten out of a panel I was speaking on about labels. I had mentioned briefly that I was struggling with the identity of bisexual versus the identity of pansexual; in essence, caught between the two words with no visceral understanding of either one.
I popped up to them, put my chin on Jen’s shoulder, grinned. It was mid-event; I was already high and climbing.
“Do you want to do a fisting tonight?” Blaise asked me.
“Who’s getting fisted?”
“This one,” Blaise smiled as he pulled Jen closer to him, “has requested a group fisting. So far it’s Tyler, me, Corey, Calico, you, and May. And I asked Kate Bornstein and Barbara Carellas too.” Jen was turning a ripe peach color.
I grinned wider. “What time?”
Jen is one beautiful half of a remarkable couple. Tyler is the other half, and she is smaller, but no less beautiful. It took me ages to recognize their kind of beauty. It is full of softness and permeated with sexuality and humor. They laugh when they’re fucking. They giggle and tell jokes and seem to have sex as naturally as I breathe.
That night we gathered in the corner of the mixed gender space, a wide curtained room off the main dungeon. We pulled a futon up to a sex swing in the corner, and made piles of bodies while Jen settled herself in the swing, her dress around her waist, leather boots in the air. Tyler was gathering lube and paper towels. “Okay guys, we’re going in order of hand size,” she said. She leaned over Jen’s body and they whispered together while on the futon we pressed palms together, comparing the lengths of our fingers and the thickness of our palms.
The cluster of people stayed on the futon while Tyler went first, making little theatrical motions in the air that sent us into hysterics. But soon, as Jen’s breathing became louder and more regular, we gathered closer. Jen is mesmerizing; we were all drawn into the magnetism of her skin. She pulled her top down, flung her arms over her head, and closed her eyes. I knelt beside the swing and grazed my lips along her neck. “Hi,” I said. “Hey you,” she answered back.
We changed places slowly, tapping out as each person drew their hands into her. Everyone in the group wanted to touch her; I would pull her hardened nipple into my mouth and smell the bootblack on Blaise’s hands as he caressed her from the other side of the swing. When we weren’t touching her, we stood close and watched.
“I’m trying to practice your breathing techniques,” she said to Barbara at one point, drawing her breath in deliberately through small moans. That got a general laugh from the sex-drugged peanut gallery.
My hands are small. When my turn was coming up I pulled on rubber gloves, dropped lube over my hands and began rubbing it to warm it into a soapy mess. As I took my place at the foot of the swing, I watched Calico pull her hand out and marveled that it had gone in so easily. Clearly in the world of penetration I am tightly lagging behind my fellow explorers. “So Jen, dear, should I mention that I’ve never fisted a girl before?” I smiled at her, fighting down the little bite of apprehension.
Jen’s pussy, as she lay with her boots sprawled upwards, was wide and slippery soft, that peach color all over again. I eased three fingers inside her, pushed a little, and jumped as my hand slid past her labia and was enveloped.
Her pussy was hot; I was reminded of fever kisses. I pushed deeper and marveled as my wrist bone touched her ass. Blaise and Tyler started giving me directions, making turns and twists in the air that I would mimic inside Jen’s body. Jen was vibrating with every motion by now, fingers grasping into Tyler’s sides and her throat all thrown back and trembling.
I piled more lube on my palms, cupped one hand around the base of the other and slid back in. With a hand and a half inside her I went exploring slowly. I couldn’t pound away, leaving that to more experienced hands than mine. Instead I made deep thrusts. I watched her body. I poured myself into her. Fucking hell, I was thinking. I want immortalize you. I want to to carve you in white marble like a goddess and paint you all in pink.
When I drew out she let out a little kitten moan and then swelled up again as Blaise’s hands replaced my own.
As I looked around the circle magnetized to Jen’s presence, I was struck, shot, paralyzed with wonder. Half the dozen-odd faces were people I’d never met before that morning. I felt a little shy when Kate turned to me and smiled; its seems that Kate is like that, at first. Barbara too. These people have so much passion it’s hard to process.
I was paralyzed so suddenly because everything was so fucking easy.
The space was easy, the people friends already. The sex was gorgeous. When Jen screamed the second time, gushing outward in a frenzy of relaxed tension, that was easy too. Easy, sexy, gratifying, and perfect.
Once Jen had struggled her liquid bones up from the swing and was standing in just her boots by the futon, I took the time to collapse and look at her. Christ, girl, you look amazing naked. I wish we could stay here forever.
The next morning in a class on male bisexuality Jefferson asked the class for a show of hands of people who identified as bisexual. I started to put my hand up, and stopped. I was thinking about the night before.
I didn’t want that space divided by gender. The “bi” in “bisexual” wouldn’t touch even half the people that stood in that circle. Do I use language for what I am or what I do? And are they different, in the end?
I raised my hand. “Can I make a distinction between bisexual and pansexual?”
“Sure,” he answered.
I am pansexual. It was time to say it out loud.
In the comments string on this post, Juliet (f’ing brilliant, by the way) and I have been having a discussion about the nature of the word “pansexuality” as it relates not only to gender but to activity. I like the word for several reasons, I have not touched on them all here, and I suggest that as further reading you explore the comments thread. And go read Juliet’s blog.
14 Comments
I’ve been home sick all day and waiting and waiting for this post. I’m so proud to have been written of so beautifully on your blog. I gush when I read your words and to be included in them is really touching.
Also, more than anything, I love gathering up everyone’s stories about this event. Each time I replay it in my mind, I get to include new memories from other people and I love it so much.
May and I have talked in the past about how Jen and I have always wanted to include others in the sex we have. For me, that was one of the most satisfying parts of the whole scene. Everyone got to be a part of something we both love and now I feel so close to everything.
Plus there’s the fact that I got to read just now about how sexy Jen is, which always makes me happy and giggly. She doesn’t believe me when I tell her myself, but now she can’t avoid the truth! Ha!
Thanks for capturing this so beautifully for us.
It’s nice to see so many people thinking about the definitions they use for themselves – and I think the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality (the increased inclusiveness that the latter embraces) is an important one.
Thank you for your very well-written thoughts.
xx Dee
Tyler-
You’re here thanking me, and really, I should be thanking *you.* Getting to share that experience with the two of you was truly remarkable. I definitely relate to the want to include my friends in interactions with May, just wanting to share that goodness all around.
I also love collecting different sides of the same story to see how things have played out. I wonder what other stories will come out of that night!
Tell Jen that if she takes issue with her own sexiness, one of these days I really will carve her in marble.
Dee-
Thanks for the comment! What I chose not to write about in this post was that at the class where I made this distinction, a woman raised her hand and asked for a definition of pansexual. I was happy to get the chance to spread the word’s presence a bit more.
After reading this, I’ve been thinking about it off & on all day. Not sure I’ve got very far, mind…
I do identify very strongly as bisexual (partly due to extensive angst in my early 20s about How/Whether One Qualifies, which I eventually resolved). I also very much agree with what you’re saying here about wishing not to make and/or strengthen that division by gender. I’m not sure I’m happy with the idea of relabelling that aspect of my identity (especially given that I am to some extent involved in the bisexual community).
Having said that: my own internal definition of “bisexual” is more like “regardless of gender” than it is “of either gender”. So maybe that’s a misuse of language on my part; although I suspect that many other self-identified bi people of my acquaintance would say much the same.
I also know people who use the word “queer” for themselves partly on these (sort of) grounds.
Anyway: I will be thinking about this further, in the future (since as per above, I don’t think I’ve got very far yet…). Thank you for the thought-provoking post! And also for the fabulous and very very hot scene description.
Juliet-
my own internal definition of “bisexual” is more like “regardless of gender” than it is “of either gender”.
This is pretty much exactly how I had always thought of bisexuality. I think it’s usually the way the word is used, as well.
As I will write about two posts from now, I spent a ton of time over the weekend with a group of very gender-fluid people. A lot of what we talked about, and a lot of what I’ve been thinking about involved the idea of the binary of gender. Not only do I like to use words specifically, but I like to use words that reflect the way I think personally. I don’t think that switching these words really changes that part of my identity; it simply makes more sense to me.
I don’t find any problem whatsoever in using the word “bisexual” as you’ve described it, as long as you and your listener agree on the definition. However, I do think that the cultural instict to make gender into a necessary binary is an issue, even for me. I also think that language is power, and language spreads awareness. Saying I’m pansexual doesn’t change who I want to fuck or how I fuck them, but it starts a conversation (like the one we’re having now) that I think is interesting, and worth having.
Although I like the word “queer,” I find it to be too nonspecific. That is actually a big part of its appeal for many folks, but not something I’m willing to take on when describing myself.
I think the bisexual community and the pansexual community are probably a lot of the same people. I would still consider us part of that community together, no matter what word you chose to use.
Juliet-
Also, I have just discovered that the terminology section of the bisexuality post in Wikipedia is fascinating. And you’ll note, there’s a bit in there about choosing to identify as bisexual as a more well-established tool in identity politics. Definitely relevent to bisexual community activism.
I’ve used the word “queer” in my blog, and occassionally in rl. But people tend to think of that as meaning the same thing as “gay,” which is a bit annoying. “Omnisexual” has become my favorite term for my preferences. It makes for a better explanatory joke than pansexual, and I’m cheesy like that.
I’ve hated the word “bisexual” for a long time, as binary notions of gender tend to piss me off.
Great post, as always.
Still speechless. You’ve captured the moment in such a way that I can enjoy the opposite side of the experience, whereas all the images that fill my head are angled from the sling up into the ceiling of the eventspace with your beautiful and eager faces hovering over me and leaning in to touch me every which way. You’ve truly immortalized this.
Jen~<3
Jen-
Well, you know. We love you. Thank you for this.
Starting interesting conversations is good!
I was talking to my partner G about this, and he pointed out that Merriam-Webster defines pansexual as “exhibiting or implying many forms of sexual expression” – so not just who one does things with, but what one does.
The OED says “2. That encompasses all kinds of sexuality; not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or practice.”, with a 1974 usage example from the Observer referring to bestiality & incest (! Other usage examples are more standard).
(& on a side-note, thank you for prompting me to discover that I finally have online access to the OED again – my local library has access-by-library-card-from-home subscription, which is awesome.)
G suggested that given that there’s already a tendency for people to equate “bisexual” with “kinky” & a bunch of other stuff, using, as an alternative to “bisexual”, a word which explicitly has those other implications might be suboptimal.
i.e. that at the least there may be an issue about claiming pansexual as being solely about gender preference (or lack of!), if we would prefer to disengage that from other preferences & activities. Which I think I would, myself.
Of course, that’s not to say that as a word or identity it’s a bad one :) In fact, I am inclined to like it more (for myself, I mean) when taking the non-gender aspects into account – partly because I am interested in broadening definitions of “sexuality” in the sense of sexual behaviour & what is/isn’t sexual.
And certainly in terms of evoking discussion about gender, sexuality, attraction, & so on, you’re already doing pretty well by it :)
Having read your later post, I’m interested by May’s idea of bi as ends of a spectrum – which wasn’t one which had explicitly occurred to me before but which does seem to make sense.
Juliet-
Thank you for coming back with this!
The ideas you demontrate about pansexuality referring to sexualitities interested in ranges of activities as well as genders, etc, is a part of the word that I’ve been subliminally aware of but not able to articluate very well.
I would not personally choose to confine the word strictly to a conversation about gender preferences, although gender is very much at the front of my mind these days and so takes a front seat for many of my thought processes. Very much as you said, I like the idea of a word that broadens the definitions of sexuality. I mean, you know, sadist. That’s a very good example of a broadening of sexual experience.
So you are right. There is an issue in claiming that pansexuality is solely about gender preferences. Clearly it has a wider scope than that. And I should be more specific, when using it to describe myself, that I don’t use the word only in reference to gender, rather than doing so unconsciously.
I also like the idea of a word that encompasses activity. That, to me, is neat.
In essence, thank you. That was a very important point that I definitely didn’t make.
G suggested that given that there’s already a tendency for people to equate “bisexual” with “kinky” & a bunch of other stuff, using, as an alternative to “bisexual”, a word which explicitly has those other implications might be suboptimal.
I would say that although bisexual often becomes culturally subtexted as having a meaning closer to what I currently understand as pansexual, that’s not necessarily a good thing. It seems to me that the very subtext being referred to here is part of the common misconception that all bisexual people are kinky, or sluts. Perhaps having a word which explicitly handles those implications will allow some of them to be off-loaded from “bisexual.” After all, it is hardly fair to assume that a bisexual person is kinky. Perhaps that change will enable people to actually treat biseuxality as a declaration of gender preference, instead of subtexting it as a definition of activity preference.
Thats the First!!! damn good explanation and description of pansexuality ive ever heard. ;-)
Dov
I would say that although bisexual often becomes culturally subtexted as having a meaning closer to what I currently understand as pansexual, that’s not necessarily a good thing. It seems to me that the very subtext being referred to here is part of the common misconception that all bisexual people are kinky, or sluts. Perhaps having a word which explicitly handles those implications will allow some of them to be off-loaded from “bisexual.”
Yes, the bisexual = slut/kinky/etc equivalence is not a good one.
I was kind of coming at things from the other direction – that if talking about gender preference, using a word which had those extra implications would just reinforce the slut/kinky/etc misconception.
But you’re right: using pansexual alongside bisexual to, as it were, take the weight of the people who are some or all of bi, kinky, sluts, whatever, and who want to acknowledge that when talking about their sexuality – that’s an idea that sounds good :)
“But you’re right: using pansexual alongside bisexual to, as it were, take the weight of the people who are some or all of bi, kinky, sluts, whatever, and who want to acknowledge that when talking about their sexuality – that’s an idea that sounds good :)“
I think this sounds good to you because you are overestimating the intellectual capability of the general populous. Frankly, I think this is liable to simply confuse people. When people get confused, they feel overwhelmed, and when they feel overwhelmed they stop listening entirely. Making things more semantically challenging is hardly the way to go to clarify the stereotypes, IMHO.
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