It’s been a bad week. A lot of real-life people have been telling me what to do in ways I don’t appreciate, and that gets me edgy. And then, I’ve become short-tempered with a large portion of the folly of the kinky Internet. People keep dictating, making snide remarks, giving orders. Breaking the rule of no imposition. The Golden Rule, for you Heinlein fans.
This drives me mad. Mad, I tell you. It makes me want to do silly things, like stab my screen with a pen.
There is a common bad habit of dismissing people’s opinions precisely because they are specified as opinions. Apparently our personal opinions are so much dandelion fluff, as though to express an opinion is to express a weakness, an imaginary concoction lacking rhyme, reason, logic and fact.
And yet, when it comes to how I should live my life, there is nothing more important than my opinion.
It is my opinion that no one’s sexuality should have to die for mine to live, and vice versa.
It is my opinion that I should live my life the way I see fit, have a space to call my own, and fuck the way I want to fuck.
It is my opinion that you should do the same. Heck, I even think it’s your right to do the same. I’ll stand up and fight for your right to fuck any way you want to, and I hope you realize how essential it is for you to fight for mine.
Give me my space, and I’ll give you yours. Do me this courtesy, and the world might miraculously become a well-mannered place.
Don’t put me in generalized superior or inferior groups. Don’t tell how my partner should address me. Don’t tell me what my orientation is. Don’t invade my autonomy. Don’t touch me without my consent.
We’ve drawn trenches in a battlefield of sexuality. We fight bitterly over a hundred different versions of the One True Way. We go around telling each other what’s wrong with the words we use, that we choose the wrong genders, that strap-ons degrade women and paying a girl for sex in Toronto causes earthquakes in Arizona.
I don’t understand this instinct to destroy spaces rather than making spaces. Is this an artist thing? Is it naivety? I’m guessing a big part of it is willful stubbornness.
Sexuality’s spaces are not a zero-sum game, folks. We can always make more, and we always do. We exist in a naturally occurring and (thanks largely to the Internet) virtually unlimited state of cultural pluralism.
The only ideas I choose to genuinely attack are ideas that invade my space. The day I choose to attack someone or something on any other terms, call me out. I’m begging you, call me on it. Do me that courtesy too.
May has been remarking in the past few days that he doesn’t think people really understood his recent post on Halloween. He’s been accused of being judgmental, trying to pass his opinions off on others. I pointed out to him that his tone implied this, although his words did not. His words said, very simply, that it is sad that there’s only one day a year when people are allowed the freedoms they are allowed on Halloween. We’re so used to having our personal spaces encroached, at this point, that we see attacks where there are none. We take it as a given that everyone’s out to tell everyone else how to live.
Okay, Eileen. Take a deep breath, step away from the keyboard.
There is a very fine line between expressing our opinions and dictating the actions of others. Sometimes I suspect that line is irretrievably blurred. I suspect that many of us no longer know where it is. This, to me, is heart-wrenching.
Writing this entry made me cry.
29 Comments
I know you wanted to keep “bad links” out of this entry, and I’ll respect that by not adding my own here, but I really do wish you linked up the first few sentences anyways.
And, as usual, you’re far more successfully communicative than I usually am. Well done.
Hi babe,
I realize that might have made this more juicy, but I’m more upset over the general state than I am over specific instances. And silly finger-pointing doesn’t sit well with me at the moment.
We are all in this together.
We might as well try to get along.
Worryingly, it seems to almost be part of the human condition to segregate and discriminate, hence different groups being talked down. However what is even more depressing (for an outside observer), is the wish for consistency, and for a secure knowledge of their world which leads people to dictate how others should conduct themselves, especially in such a self-conscious space such as the BDSM community. These people feel threatened (on some level) by the idea that they don’t know about the entirety of BDSM and all the people who practice it, and even more threatened by the idea that they CANNOT know everything. They create little false rules within their heads governing what is and isn’t BDSM, and when others do or say things that invalidate their simplified interpretation of the kink, they lash out against the diversity to protect their feeling of safety generated by the false knowledge.
(Note that this is merely my opinion, formed from being half-way through a psychology degree. Your mileage may vary.)
Does this give us a solution? It is an inevitability that people create these rules in their lives, to give themselves a sense of security and as a short-cut in their every day lives. This cannot be prevented entirely; the mind cannot cope with the world without some over-simplification. The only possible solution would be therefore to ensure that this willful ignorance does not cause such a problem within such a contested topic as BDSM, and the only way to do that is to educate people, emotionally as well as intellectually, in the varied nature of the kink. That can at best prevent the rules from forming in the first place, and at worst change their rules so that they state that one cannot grasp the whole of the topic in hand (in this case the different ways to practice BDSM), and at least then they will accept diversity, even if it is out of the same willful ignorance that causes the problem today.
Mirehn
But, Mireh, BDSM is such a small part of the world and this problem is topic-agnostic. Better to teach people about this tendency itself rather than just about BDSM, I think. Kind of like how school should teach people about math, and not waste students’ time with endless arithmetic problems.
That’s a fair point maymay, however as I said you cannot prevent yourself from making some of these generalizations, so there is some value in education, even if it is just the people WITHIN the BDSM community. But yes I do agree, some lessons in critical thinking etc for schoolkids would be fantastic!
Agreed, all education everywhere would be ideal, but that is completely impractical because it is simply too resource-intensive. My argument is not “don’t teach within the BDSM community and instead only teach elsewhere” but rather teach topic-agnostic principles wherever you can, in whatever way you can, and while doing so point out that they are topic-agnostic and should be applied everywhere, since (incredibly) tons and tons of people seem to totally miss that simple insight.
And, of course, you cover a much broader base that way. Hence the analogy to the bass ackwards way in which math is taught in school, since the same braindead, way-too-specific, resource-wasteful methodology is most prevalent in so-called “education” in that specific subject.
Eileen, I’m sorry it got you crying.
maymay is absolutely correct, as you are. It is a question of agnosticism. Knowledge should be offered, not invoked; whatever anyone might say about the potentials of BDSM should be given and received in the interest of opening doors, not in closing them.
I’ve given much time to the subject of debunking material about BDSM, and often accused of persecution; it is an all-too-common perception of others who hold onto their opinions as though their lives depended on them. Those same people are apt to consider that anyone holding different opinions other than their own, even if they are not personally advancing those opinions, are a threat to their way of life and their beliefs. Christianity, for instance, which must stamp out all controvening examples of living one’s life.
Don’t give up on universal education, maymay. Its the only magic bullet we have.
I don’t understand this instinct to destroy spaces rather than making spaces.
You know that you and I are kindred spirits on that one…(tho I don’t know I’d have been able to phrase it so beautifully and succintly).
I have lived my life, mostly, not giving a fuck what anybody else’s evaluation of my choices are, even those closest to me. But that doesn’t mean I shut out other people’s voices. On the contrary, I love hearing all kinds of voices. (When they aren’t telling me one-on-one what *I* should do. ;) )
FWIW, I haven’t observed this as a natural state for most people. Most people care very much what others think, either basking in their approval or fighting back against disapproval. Proving those who disapprove wrong.
The pattern is to set up a belief system and then convince or convert others to that system. You know what I’m talking about - sex, politics, money, vegan-ism, breastfeeding for god’s sake.
I don’t think that this way of operating is *wrong*, I think it’s pretty much what makes the world go ’round…but on a off day, it can make me sad, too. So, hugs and all.
hugs, E
If it upsets you so much why do you even have a journal? Just talk to some close friends!
“With the ridiculousness of the “Holy Virgin” syllogisms aside, Halloween is the one American holiday where Catholicism and anti-sex propaganda isn’t shoved down the throats of the largely blind and ignorant masses of people who “celebrate” the “holiday.”
You’re right. I wondered into another’s space and read something I didn’t agree with, so my reaction is solely on me.
You’re also correct that his opinion doesn’t affect my ability to be a nearsighted Catholic of less than average intelligence who happens to celebrate Chrsitmas:)
Again he certainly does have the right to express that, especially on his own blog.
As for as the rest of the article, I guess I just didn’t understand the premise. While I agree there is a lot of repressed sexuality in this country, saying that Halloween is the only time vanilla people can express themselves sexually is a bit of a stretch.
The multi billion dollar sex toy/video/clothing industry isn’t just supported by people in the BDSM community. It’s a whole lot of Joe and Jane Vanillas hoping their kids will go to sleep early so they can get their freak on a couple nights a week.
Ok a month:)
Can’t speak for the other people that commented on the post, but I’ve never told anyone who to fuck, where to fuck, how to fuck, why to fuck, if to fuck or in Tom Allen’s case, simply not to fuck. Which would really turn him on:)
Again, nobody needs that.
Not sure about the box theory. A few renowned Femdom bloggers pretty much lay waste to sexual practices they don’t agree with or find silly. Not sure all people are feeling the love train of tolerance, but that’s me.
Anyway there shouldn’t be any crying in blogging. Maybe just some gentle weeping, so apologies if I offended you or maymay.
Hi Susan,
Thanks for coming by. I actually really loved a lot of what you were saying in the entry you wrote in response to May’s post, and I hope you put that lovely writing back up where people can read it. Also, I wrote this entry before you wrote yours, and I was crying from my own personal frustrations, and I *really* didn’t mean to target you or anyone specifically, and, well, basically no worries, is what I’m saying.
Heh. No. Nor does it affect my ability to celebrate “Christmas” with my two agnostic/atheist parents. You’ll forgive me if I don’t try to dig into the complexities of managing Christian faith alongside willing sexuality, as I am distinctly not qualified for that position.
Both May and I do have experience with religious beliefs encroaching our lives and resources, and it’s sometimes difficult to compartmentalize those bad experiences when interacting with tolerant people of faith. We do our best.
(”People of faith” is a weird phrase.)
Since he wrote that post and I’ve been reading some of the reactions to it, I actually wonder how his analysis of the situation is skewed by our location. In New York City, I would call that statement semi-accurate. No, it’s certainly not the only time that vanilla people can express themselves sexually, but it’s definitely the only night of the year that a woman can go out wearing angel wings, a bra, underwear, and knee-high boots, and *not* draw slews of negative attention. Halloween is a much more sexually charged, *public* event here than it is, for example, in the little New England town where I grew up, or at my brother’s Vermont college.
More power to’em, that’s what I say :).
Yea, funny thing, about the telling people what to do and how to do it, ’cause there’s no denying that I do love ordering people about in the right context.
Thanks again for the comment :).
E! I love that you are back in the blogging and commenting world. I missed you. I keep expecting you to bake something. Hugs.
I know it seems a little odd that I keep bringing discussions back to my ‘rents, but that’s S.O.P for me. So: Three things we *never* discussed in my house growing up: religion, politics, and sex. This was weird for me when I moved to NYC and realized that my lack of ability/willingness to argue these kinds of issues made me almost crippled in many social & academic settings. But now, I like it.
The way you phrased this comment draws the common links between belief and business. Interesting.
Nor does it affect my ability to celebrate Christmas with my Jewish family. Try that on for size. Our Christmas dinner is typically falefel and traditional Israeli salads.
I don’t have any problem with religion as a personal belief or moral code, nor do I have any problem with religious people who believe such things. What I have a problem with is the notion that it’s okay to impose your own beliefs or moral codes on others despite their own thoughts on the matter. While not all religious people do this, and I have religious friends who don’t, the overwhelming majority of religious people I meet do do this.
Similarly, I also have a problem with religious or non-religious people alike thinking their own opinions aren’t worthwhile and thus ignorantly falling in line with whatever most intimidating voice they hear like so many sheep to the slaughter. That is just as wrong, and sad, in my opinion.
I don’t think I said Halloween is the only time people can express themselves sexually, I said that it’s the only time they feel theat they can express themselves sexually without all the associated guilt and negativity that comes along with expressing it at any other time. Hoping their kids will go to sleep early is kind of a case in point.
I always assumed Halloween was a celebration of the candy industry.
Be it sports fans, religious fanatics or jingoists I can’t imagine saying anything new or worthwhile about clannishness, insularity and intolerance.
But your reference to Heinlein did catch my eye. So I’ll leave an irrelevant comment.
RAH was a tremendous childhood influence. However much I disagree with him his novels were a tremendous education in terms of civility. A virtue too often neglected in a time when people feel empowered to emote at each other. Your allusion struck me because it is so easy to see why women would find him very, very offputting. His respect for women had a sexist side.
And this comment is just a way of saying “hi.”
Hi Richard!
I know Heinlein has problems with his portrayal of women, and, par of the course for me, I cannot bring myself to care. He does much better than some other writers do, no question about it.
I like his stuff. I can only take it in moderate doses, however; I’ve gone through The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress and The Cat Who Walks Through Walls since the Monday before last, (read them both before) and I started in on The Past Through Tomorrow but had to call a pit stop. There is only so much moon colonization a girl can take.
I’m reading Gaiman now, as a rest.
I’m reading Gaiman now, as a rest.
*laughs*
Just the other day, the Edglette out of nowhere asks “Dad, did you ever hear of Neil Gaiman?”
She’s 12, for cryin’ out loud, and already has an anime fixation. My first thought was that she was buying “Sandman” graphic novels.
Anyway, somebody at her school had… can’t remember which book, but showed her some of the passages. I explained that Gaiman appealed to slightly older teenagers, and she might not find some of the things to her liking. She agreed - she knows what sex is, but it’s just not interesting enough for her.
It’s just funny that you mentioned Gaiman - I haven’t heard anyone else mention him in a year.
or in Tom Allen’s case, simply not to fuck. Which would really turn him on:)
I’m not a eunuch, you know. Unique, maybe…
Besides, I’ve very selective. There’s not a whole lot of women that I’d want to not have sex with; she’s got to have the right qualities.
Tom, I imagine watching you not having sex with a women who had all the right qualities would be blisteringly hot. :)
I suspect that you and Suzy Pants are having a bit of fun with me, but I can’t prove anything.
Yet.
Tom, I think that Gaiman may pull a wider audience now that he’s had some movie exposure. Although I would agree, twelve is a bit young to appreciate some of his content.
If she wants to read him, but maybe in smaller doses, he has a book of short stories out called “Smoke and Mirrors,” which is widely ranging and quite good. And doesn’t have any particularly shocking content that I can remember off the top of my head. Which, um, doesn’t mean as much as it might have a few years ago, because my definitions of “shocking” have changed somewhat.
Sandman? Not bad, at twelve. Probably more fun at fifteen.
Gaiman is something of a household name amongst my literary and/or geeky friends. He comes up a lot.
I always just assumed Heinlein wrote about the women from his own fantasies. I really don’t see anything wrong with that. I grew up on Friday and The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. My introduction to the idea of polyamory.
I’ll check out Smoke & Mirrors, Eileen - thanks.
Unfortunately, Gaiman rarely comes up with my friends - with the exception of some of the younger guys that I run into once in a while. It’s like I have a split life; half of my friends are in their 50s and half in their 20s, and never the twain…
Tom, I forgot that Gaiman also has a book that is marketed as being for “all ages.” It’s called Coraline. I haven’t read it, so I don’t know much beyond that. But maybe there’s good 12-year-old material there.
I sympathize with the split lives. I had split kinky and vanilla social circles for a while, and that was just plain awkward.
I still have split lives (social and professional, in this case, though the splits used to be different). I am tired of them. I hate that they are all I’ve known. :( Perhaps this would make a good blog subject.
Eileen has conveniently forgotten about the infamous Snow White necrophilia part of Smoke and Mirrors. That said, I doubt there’s anything wrong with reading Gaiman at that age - some of his stuff, like Stardust, is pretty well designed for that, and I first read Neverwhere when I was a preteen myself and I enjoyed it.
I really like this ‘making spaces’ idea, but I doubt it could make the world a well-mannered place. Too big a task, that.
She may have also forgotten the story where a werewolf vomits up the hand of a small child…with bonus points for doing it after having changed back to human form. But I think everyone should read some Gaiman–and I think Sandman should be taught in schools.
Sadly, I have nothing very wise to add beyond Gaiman geekery. I do sympathize with this post. I’m extremely grateful to Eileen, Maymay, and everyone else (it’s a long list) who’s been a part of keeping Conversio Virium going. It was…beyond priceless for me to be able to show up at my first meeting a few years ago and to be able to announce my kink to a crowded room without fear or embarassment. The importance of a place where that’s possible cannot be overstated. You want to talk about cramped spaces? The number of people outside of CV and associated friends, parties, etc. that I’ve felt comfortable telling I’m a hypnofetishist: 3. In my entire life, I can only think of 3. Here’s an understatement for you: this makes me sad. I realize this isn’t exactly the same issue that Eileen is addressing here, but it’s made me value welcoming, non-judgmental spaces as much as anyone.
Thene, Boston Boy -
Okay, maybe I conveniently edited out some of the more risque parts of my memory of that book. But I still think it’s worth reading, and I still think a 12-year-old could handle it. If she doesn’t want to read it, she’s definitely smart enough to put it down - after all, she’s Tom’s kid!
Also, was that Snow White story really necrophilia? It seemed more like vampirism to me.
Also, Boston Boy, that was a great comment. It’s gotten me thinking on the number of people I’ve talked to about my interests specifically. There aren’t many; a lot of people in my life know I’m kinky, but I don’t think I’ve talked specific fetishes with vanilla friends more than twice.
Welcoming spaces are awesome, and make me feel overwhelmingly lucky.
ya know, the way you mention the golden rule, it reminds me of the platinum rule. “treat others the way they want to be treated”. it’s odd, because I learned the platinum rule while I was a hooter girl. they’re big on it there. and it does come in handy.
anyways, I liked may’s thoughts, & noticed that they echo my own (I want to be the moon, or more ambitiously, a cat for halloween. I can be a ho any ol’ day of the week, but a cat, now that takes creative license). and I like your thoughts.
except the pen on the screen. no use ruining a good screen because of some dumbasses.
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