So. I had been presented with two problems which, although intimately linked, I chose to deal with separately. These problems mirror consistent, resonant issues in alternative sexual communities of all kinds.
The first problem: Someone I love thought (thinks?) I’m immoral and sick, based upon what they’ve read and seen here in this blog.
The second problem: There is a possibility that my public words and actions will negatively affect my life, career, or personal safety.
Well, first things first.
I want to talk about why people attack us.
One of the comments on my previous post cited a religious irony. True, religious groups often attack alternative sexualities.
However, in my case this is not relevant. We are not a religious family. Perhaps because of this, perhaps because of other influences, my family member and I actually have similar attitudes on sex. The crux of our issues, it seems, focused specifically around the themes of pain, violence, and consent.
I knew I was not being attacked out of hatred. I knew, intellectually and viscerally, that I was embroiled in a troubled but loving relationship.
With the blog still down, I started pouring over the old entries. What does this look like to my family? I kept thinking. I started identifying problems.
My blog details my experiences with kink, and I’m aware that my experiences with kink are not par of the course for my age group. My blog relates episodes that evidence my preference to play hard and my skill in doing so.
I had a good conversation with Maja while I was going over these ideas. “I mean, yea,” she said, “Your blog’s pretty intense.”
“401 class?” I replied snarkily. “I have a graduate level kink blog?”
She laughed. “Right.”
When presented with the idea of abandoning kink, I said that it would never be an option. Why not? I literally dismissed the idea that I could give up being kinky without a second thought.
Would I have done that when I was just starting out? Where did that security come from?
An easy question. That security comes from six years of BDSM experience.
Six years of experience means that I’m writing from an assured, educated, well-rounded perspective. But it also means that I’m writing contextually from within that experience. This works perfectly if I assume that I have a sympathetic audience; the things I say are based within a common framework that kinky people share.
This means that the words I use have subtext. The events I write about have unseen protections. The ideas I present have history, and complex ramifications that I don’t always address.
As critical as I am of communicating without establishing appropriate subtexts, I have to admit I am a little ashamed of myself.
I know it would make a pretty story for me to come out and say I’ve risen above oppression by rejecting those who falsely accuse me, all in a blaze of righteousness and glory. But you know what? I won’t.
I do not think I was falsely accused. I think that if we’re going to go around assigning blame in this particular situation, some of it belongs to me.
We all use words without establishing their subtext, and it works for us because we’re familiar with the community that gives us cultural context. My blog exists within a vast network of other blogs and sites that speak on similar topics. My personal life plays out around hundreds of other people with similar ideas and interests.
Additionally, we assume that our blogs will be read by a self-selecting audience. Either this audience will have a genuine interest in our topics, or a genuine interest in us. Unfortunately, these two types of audience members don’t always intersect; our blogs are read by people who have no understanding of or sympathy with our topics, but who will continue reading (or censoring, or attacking) because they’ve taken an interest in us, personally. Family, friends, employers.
Most of us approach the process of information exchange from a modern, web-based perspective. Information is no longer presented to us in complete, self-sufficient volumes. Rather, we exchange information in small packets which link dynamically to other packets, creating the context upon which our ideas rest.
I hesitate to cite a generational influence here; I realize that I’m young within my own community. But it seems fair to say that where I see dynamic linking and packet exchange, my family member may see a single, isolated volume.
You, the people who read my blog, are under no obligation to read other blogs, nor to educate yourselves upon the history, issues, or best practices of BDSM. I think we have to acknowledge that dynamic, self-driven education will not always occur naturally, and is much less likely to occur when the reader is taking a personal interest in us, rather than in our topics.
This means that the people most in need of establishing a cultural context before judging us personally are, in fact, the people least likely to do so.
My family member read accounts of sadism and saw pictures of blood, and came to the same conclusions I might come to if presented with such things independently. Independently, some of the things we do and say are scary as hell.
It seemed, as I had suspected, that my initial impulse would become my plan of action.
Initially my instinct was that I would continue writing, do some hard thinking on what I say and how I say it, and in the meantime try to open a dialogue with my family member that might allow them to put my 401 graduate level blog within a framework of elementary knowledge.
I would prove myself sane, not by backing down or changing myself, but by changing the way I present myself.
This is an easy resolution to make, but hard to carry through. I couldn’t bring myself to make such an awkward phone call. I began writing a very long, very passionate letter. I asked people around me to recommend books and resources, and debated how to send them. With a little note? With my letter? Briefly I flirted with the idea of giving the books as Christmas gifts, but rejected that as cruel and melodramatic.
Why did I (do I) assume that my family member would want to be educated? Doesn’t that seem presumptuous?
When I started writing and exploring my sexuality, I did very little to hide my interests or activities from my family. I saw my actions, my development and beliefs, and took pride in them. I assumed that my family, similar in their basic principles and sharing my inquiring mind, would come to the same conclusions.
This assumption turned out to be wrong, with shattering results. I forgot that one crucial piece of the equation: that the assumption was based on information we didn’t share.
But the inquiring minds remain. I have faith in inquiring minds.
I had begun to examine the situation within the baseline of a loving, troubled relationship. Again, it came to my rescue.
They emailed me, a single line: “I love you.” The lines of communication were open.
19 Comments
They emailed me, a single line: “I love you.” The lines of communication were open.
Can I say that I think I *really* like your family member? Of course, as you know, I support you in this and realize how hard it is. But you’ve done a wonderful job of showing us this other side of the coin. That’s hard. It’s brilliant and wonderful and very, very hard. And through it I can see that one thing helping you do that is that they are also trying very hard, and coming from a place of love.
I also think you are absolutely right about the subtext and context of the words being important, and that it is a difficult thing to always keep aware of.
Thanks, Victor. I like them too. I’m glad that’s coming across.
::smile::
I’m often aware of this lack of context in what I write on my blog, even though my blog is so much more waffly than yours. I’ll write something like, “I made him bend over and I beat him with a stick,” and missing is like he loves my sadism, he has safewords, he can withdraw consent at any time, I love him, I would never want to harm or traumatize him, we talk about this stuff continuously to make sure we’re still on the same page.
But how do you include context without seeming defensive all the time?
Why did I (do I) assume that my family member would want to be educated? Doesn’t that seem presumptuous?
*sighs*
Yes, it does… but we expect our family (and our friends) to be concerned enough about us to want to learn, don’t we? Sometimes we forget that our family is just people, people like anyone else you might happen to know. They have limits and desires and prejudices and their own blind spots which make them do what they do.
I have to say that this has probably been one of the most eye-opening series of posts I’ve read since I first started reading blogs about BDSM.
It’s taught me two things: 1) I’m probably not ready for the reactions of family if they ever find out, and 2) how to intelligently cope with the situation if they do. All I can say is, good work on all of this, Eileen.
But how do you include context without seeming defensive all the time? Dev has a good point, there. I think it’s remarkably difficult to write your day-to-day life, loves and kinks if you need to include all the back-story necessary. The closest I can come is writing a variety of posts covering different aspects, and even then, if one doesn’t look further than the latest cutting pictures, then the reader gains a very lopsided view of what’s going on.
xx Dee
I’m glad to see you’ve put all your posts back up, yay. It’s a damn good point, about context and subtext. One of my first thoughts, in reading about your family member’s reaction, was “did they actually READ everything?” Because honestly, I do think that your blog — while certainly intense in spots — does a beautiful job of reflecting on how and why you play, and does touch on things like safety and consent and education and all that. And your descriptions of scenes pretty much always show just how strong, loving, and healthy your relationship with Maymay is. How could anyone think this is sick or a bad choice?
But then I remember, right, right — I see that because I’m looking for it, and because it’s what I expect, and because this stuff turns me on rather than making me squirm. I imagine it’s pretty difficult for most people to get past “Blood? Did she say she likes to make people bleed?” (But I hope that they’re able to, in your case — it certainly seems like they’re willing to hear what you have to say, which is really awesome.)
So, my roommate now reads my blog. For those of you following along at home, he’s kink-friendly but not kink-embracing. I know that’s a fine line, and we periodically talk about it, and I understand his P.O.V. a little better each time.
But yeah, he’s the first person not necessarily on the kink wavelength (that I know of) who reads this regularly. So of course I quickly scanned all contents over for anything that might have weirded him out… and then wondered what I was worrying about. Context is so, so, so key for me, and it’s often the first question I ask because I’m naturally anxious about how I’m presenting myself, esp. in writing. I wish I could trade some of your innate comfort for some of my relentless contextualizing!
I’m used to explaining kink to people I know from a very basic starting point, and I myself am used to reading things that assume a certain level of knowledge about the BDSM world (because at the time that I learned there was one, I actively sought it out and did what I could to educate myself about it). But I suppose I hadn’t really considered what would happen if you took someone to whom you would usually explain things basically and plunged them into a document that requires a certain amount of cultural background. It must be kind of staggering.
All the same, education is a great thing….
First, *hugs* and *awe* over how you are handling all this.
Second, maymay just posted a transgender 101 video on his blog. Is there one for bdsm or even kinks in general?
Maybe someone should make one…
(No, I’m not volunteering! I’m just the newbie here, auditing the graduate classes. *wink*)
I understand the struggle. I do.
But really, after thirty-five years, I’ve come to a place where I say, to hell with my family. Not just in relation to this lifestyle, but in relations to all lifestyles. If I had to wait until my family got on board with my choices in life, I’d have had to wait until they all died.
That your family listens to you at all is a blessing. And while I concede the words and conclusions of all the people who have commented, I must add this addendum, because I am me and I have my perspective.
You’re struggling, and have struggled, with what you should do or need do to hold onto what you have. I understand that. But don’t let your family, or anyone but you, decide anything about YOU. Don’t prostitute yourself for love. Not for anyone’s love.
KSkye, I’d second your motion. As a semi-closeted newbie, I’d find such a video very informative myself.
Welcome back! Thank you for resuming your writings here. It would have been a loss, but i could understand why in that moment, you did take it all down.
One of the special charms of your blog is the lucidity with which you releate your experiences — kinky and otherwise — to the greater human context. You speak candidly, right from the heart. You point us to the greater unlerying realities of love and relationships, of honesty and doubt, courage and fear, and always, a sense of fun.
Your distressed family member is sure to get that by reading on as you continue to write. That sounds likely on both counts.
You personalize and humanize your experiences. In the process, you illuminate caves for us all to explore. You are shaping and adding context all the time, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that..
There is a special context of kink that most of us readers share. But it’s not seperate from us. You add to it yourself, every time you write so intimately about your life. It’s the Commons on which we play, and we are all responspible for its upkeep,
Good all around that you’re back.
Hey you -
I’ve been reading your posts, pretty much as soon as they were posted, this last however many days. It’s funny, when you took the blog down (or more accurately, made your posts private), I didn’t start emailing you or May, even though I wanted to. I *worried*, and emailed Beej periodically, “have you heard anything?”. I tend to like to wait for people to reveal what they want to reveal. I hope that the part where I cared very much was somehow known to you.
What a journey you are on. Bunches of choices to make.
I’m touched by how important your family is to you. It seems you’re determined to not make this an “either/or”, pick one or pick the other kind of affair. The theme here is a common one, even if kink puts its own special twist on it. Love and commmitment to love covers a lot of differences, if people are willing to let it.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us during the last days. I wish just all the best for you and your loved ones.
hugs, E
We can’t really refresh who we are, revisit first principles repeatedly. You wouldn’t expect that of any writer. In a sense all we can do is offer our archives. Though I encourage any author to make sure a list of key and defining entries is visible for first time visitors. If they don’t avail themselves of that you’ve at least tried.
On my sites I’ve only had one family member visit one site. She comes only to justify her assumptions. I’m always polite and as helpful as I can be. There’s never any progress but it keeps the peace. Should she really need help from me I’m available.
In a more general, non-crisis sense, I find myself getting bogged down by the different audiences of my blog: Joscelin himself (will he be hurt by what I write? will he agree well enough with my version of events?), all my bdsm bloggy friends (do they think I am a fraud? am I keeping their interest at all?), random possibly wanking strangers (I don’t care too much, but is the blog hot a little bit?), bdsm-info-seeking newbies (I only hope they read a lot of blogs to get a semi-rounded view), and, possibly the worst, Joscelin’s vanilla friends.
And maybe (argh) my mom, but I hope not.
When solipsist’s and my blog was outed a few months back (resulting in our taking it down for a week) it was not by a family member, so we were spared that particular problem. However, the possibility of the leak impacting on my professional relationships was very real indeed, and would have had serious consequences.
I was only able to halt the leak by pure luck (the second person told was gay, and understood the ramifications of being outed against her will). The first person who found the blog apologized for passing on the link without realizing the blog’s content. And this was the lesson I learned: that we’d nearly been outed because this person “didn’t think” (her term). In your own case, at least your family member is expressing concern. In our case, I had offered this woman support in a time of need, and had mentioned I had an adult blog in passing, to reassure her that she was not the only person online with a secret life. Bored online one night she decided to find our blog, did so and then passed along the link to a mutual friend without checking either the content, or with me.
I asked her later “how would you feel if I passed along info as to what you do every night in SL?”, and she was horrified. “You wouldn’t do that”, she said. “No” I replied, “So why did you?”. “I just didn’t realize … I didn’t think … I hadn’t even read your blog”.
In a weird way I almost envy your current situation, Eileen. It is a hard place to be. But at least there is a reason, and another person’s point of view to consider, and possibly counter. The fact that we may have lost so much for so stupid a reason really left a bad taste in my mouth!
OK, the comment I left on your previous post was probably more applicable to this one :)
I’m not sure that even with the background and the enquiringness, it’s always possible to get much beyond a sort of truce. But maybe that’s enough.
And the trouble with “I love you” is that as well as being a positive thing, it can also be a stick to beat people with. (NB: I am not at all suggesting that this is the case in this instance. But it can be.)
Your first entry of this series made me think (as have the others. But it made me stop-short-think). We live with our sexuality, and communicate with people who are aware of it, and it becomes commonplace, to an extent. But there is much that truly is without the ken of many other people. I can understand the reaction of your family member, if only because I can imagine being on the end of a similar reaction, from similarly liberal people - and there’s nothing particularly out of the norm in my sexuality.
One point is that however open-minded people are, that doesn’t necessarily translate to family members. The other thing is that people who love you do love you, however hard they find it coming to terms with what they know of you.
Perhaps it’s not so much that anyone needs to be educated about your kink, it’s more that they need to be educated about how comfortable you are with it. They need to be reassured that you are OK, and that this is a manifestation of your sexuality, rather than evidence of “problems”. And the fact that you are traceable is evidence of this, in a way. You are aware of the difficulties wider exposure might cause you, but you are secure in who you are.
This comment doesn’t really express any of the many things this post, and the ones before and after, have made me think about (both about being reacted to, and how I might react if I found out something about my daughter or sister that would slam up against my liberal, broad-minded limits). But I think you, and your family member, will get through this, with greater understanding on both sides. You’re in my thoughts often.
One Trackback/Pingback
[...] I did not choose to rise up in righteous indignation after being censored by scallywags. I chose to take on some of the responsibility for what had happened, because I wasn’t defining my language or giving context for my [...]
Post a Comment