One point is that however open-minded people are, that doesn’t necessarily translate to family members. The other thing is that people who love you do love you, however hard they find it coming to terms with what they know of you.

Perhaps it’s not so much that anyone needs to be educated about your kink, it’s more that they need to be educated about how comfortable you are with it. They need to be reassured that you are OK, and that this is a manifestation of your sexuality, rather than evidence of “problems”. And the fact that you are traceable is evidence of this, in a way. You are aware of the difficulties wider exposure might cause you, but you are secure in who you are.

This comment doesn’t really express any of the many things this post, and the ones before and after, have made me think about (both about being reacted to, and how I might react if I found out something about my daughter or sister that would slam up against my liberal, broad-minded limits). But I think you, and your family member, will get through this, with greater understanding on both sides. You’re in my thoughts often.

I’m not sure that even with the background and the enquiringness, it’s always possible to get much beyond a sort of truce. But maybe that’s enough.

And the trouble with “I love you” is that as well as being a positive thing, it can also be a stick to beat people with. (NB: I am not at all suggesting that this is the case in this instance. But it can be.)

I was only able to halt the leak by pure luck (the second person told was gay, and understood the ramifications of being outed against her will). The first person who found the blog apologized for passing on the link without realizing the blog’s content. And this was the lesson I learned: that we’d nearly been outed because this person “didn’t think” (her term). In your own case, at least your family member is expressing concern. In our case, I had offered this woman support in a time of need, and had mentioned I had an adult blog in passing, to reassure her that she was not the only person online with a secret life. Bored online one night she decided to find our blog, did so and then passed along the link to a mutual friend without checking either the content, or with me.

I asked her later “how would you feel if I passed along info as to what you do every night in SL?”, and she was horrified. “You wouldn’t do that”, she said. “No” I replied, “So why did you?”. “I just didn’t realize … I didn’t think … I hadn’t even read your blog”.

In a weird way I almost envy your current situation, Eileen. It is a hard place to be. But at least there is a reason, and another person’s point of view to consider, and possibly counter. The fact that we may have lost so much for so stupid a reason really left a bad taste in my mouth!

And maybe (argh) my mom, but I hope not.

On my sites I’ve only had one family member visit one site. She comes only to justify her assumptions. I’m always polite and as helpful as I can be. There’s never any progress but it keeps the peace. Should she really need help from me I’m available.

I’ve been reading your posts, pretty much as soon as they were posted, this last however many days. It’s funny, when you took the blog down (or more accurately, made your posts private), I didn’t start emailing you or May, even though I wanted to. I *worried*, and emailed Beej periodically, “have you heard anything?”. I tend to like to wait for people to reveal what they want to reveal. I hope that the part where I cared very much was somehow known to you.

What a journey you are on. Bunches of choices to make.

I’m touched by how important your family is to you. It seems you’re determined to not make this an “either/or”, pick one or pick the other kind of affair. The theme here is a common one, even if kink puts its own special twist on it. Love and commmitment to love covers a lot of differences, if people are willing to let it.

Thanks for sharing your heart with us during the last days. I wish just all the best for you and your loved ones.

hugs, E

One of the special charms of your blog is the lucidity with which you releate your experiences — kinky and otherwise — to the greater human context. You speak candidly, right from the heart. You point us to the greater unlerying realities of love and relationships, of honesty and doubt, courage and fear, and always, a sense of fun.

Your distressed family member is sure to get that by reading on as you continue to write. That sounds likely on both counts.

You personalize and humanize your experiences. In the process, you illuminate caves for us all to explore. You are shaping and adding context all the time, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that..

There is a special context of kink that most of us readers share. But it’s not seperate from us. You add to it yourself, every time you write so intimately about your life. It’s the Commons on which we play, and we are all responspible for its upkeep,

Good all around that you’re back.

But really, after thirty-five years, I’ve come to a place where I say, to hell with my family. Not just in relation to this lifestyle, but in relations to all lifestyles. If I had to wait until my family got on board with my choices in life, I’d have had to wait until they all died.

That your family listens to you at all is a blessing. And while I concede the words and conclusions of all the people who have commented, I must add this addendum, because I am me and I have my perspective.

You’re struggling, and have struggled, with what you should do or need do to hold onto what you have. I understand that. But don’t let your family, or anyone but you, decide anything about YOU. Don’t prostitute yourself for love. Not for anyone’s love.