Comments on: When Does It Get Better? http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/ Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:04:42 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Switch http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1114 Switch Wed, 26 Dec 2007 21:43:54 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1114 I'm often appauled at what people will do in the name of love. Your family member is I am sure convinced that they are acting toward you out of love. It's for her own good and knowing would so hurt the rest of the family. But what they are doing is not loving. It's merely prejudice and black mail disguised as love. I would take May to future family events and try not worry too much about it. It isn't necessary to either explain or flaunt your sex life to your family. The question is not whether you and May's sex life is good. The question is whether May is good and whether his is good for you. The answer to both qustions is obviously yes. Take him with you next time. Explain to the family member who has found out that exposing your sex life is not your plan and that if they find it necessary to hurt the family in that way that is thier option and responsibility whether you bring May to family events or not. Like much advice this easier by far to give than to act on--but the alternatives are worse. Hugs Switch I’m often appauled at what people will do in the name of love. Your family member is I am sure convinced that they are acting toward you out of love. It’s for her own good and knowing would so hurt the rest of the family. But what they are doing is not loving. It’s merely prejudice and black mail disguised as love.

I would take May to future family events and try not worry too much about it. It isn’t necessary to either explain or flaunt your sex life to your family. The question is not whether you and May’s sex life is good. The question is whether May is good and whether his is good for you. The answer to both qustions is obviously yes.

Take him with you next time. Explain to the family member who has found out that exposing your sex life is not your plan and that if they find it necessary to hurt the family in that way that is thier option and responsibility whether you bring May to family events or not.

Like much advice this easier by far to give than to act on–but the alternatives are worse.

Hugs Switch

]]> By: maymay http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1112 maymay Sun, 23 Dec 2007 20:47:34 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1112 <blockquote>May: it may be that people assuming you’d be happy to be there if you were welcome is not to do with obligations to the elder generation, but with the fact that it seems from the above that Eileen would want you to be there. And whilst that doesn’t mean you *have* to go (obviously), I think there is an assumption that visiting your partner’s family, if the partner wants you to, is something that in general you just have to suck up & deal with :-) (And it may well be a reflection of people’s own preferences - I know I would be very sad if either of my partners wouldn’t come to family stuff with me.)</blockquote> That's a good point, and has been the case before. I certainly like spending time with Eileen, and I know that there are times she wants to be come with her to some places, and of course I am more likely to want to go to these places myself if Eileen wants me there in the first place. I guess the point I'm making is that in a situation like this where there are two people and one has always been unwelcoming to the other whereas the other has made attempts to engage the first, I don't see why opening a line of communication would ever be considered the second person's responsibility and not the first. At this stage of the game, it's the first person that needs to prove worthiness to the second. And contrary to popular belief, this has <em>absolutely nothing</em> to do with age or role.

May: it may be that people assuming you’d be happy to be there if you were welcome is not to do with obligations to the elder generation, but with the fact that it seems from the above that Eileen would want you to be there. And whilst that doesn’t mean you *have* to go (obviously), I think there is an assumption that visiting your partner’s family, if the partner wants you to, is something that in general you just have to suck up & deal with :-)

(And it may well be a reflection of people’s own preferences – I know I would be very sad if either of my partners wouldn’t come to family stuff with me.)

That’s a good point, and has been the case before. I certainly like spending time with Eileen, and I know that there are times she wants to be come with her to some places, and of course I am more likely to want to go to these places myself if Eileen wants me there in the first place.

I guess the point I’m making is that in a situation like this where there are two people and one has always been unwelcoming to the other whereas the other has made attempts to engage the first, I don’t see why opening a line of communication would ever be considered the second person’s responsibility and not the first. At this stage of the game, it’s the first person that needs to prove worthiness to the second. And contrary to popular belief, this has absolutely nothing to do with age or role.

]]> By: Juliet http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1111 Juliet Sun, 23 Dec 2007 13:26:12 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1111 My parents would rather I wasn't poly, and to some extent demonstrate this by treating me as if I wasn't, and only inviting one partner (the one I've been with for years & before getting into the poly thing!) to stuff. My current way of dealing with this is to continue to mention both partners in conversation, to let them invite who they will to stuff at their house, and to include both my partners if they're visiting my house. Because, as you say: their house, their rules. (TBH a lot of the time I visit them on my own, anyway.) The one time this has been problematic was my last birthday, when they were taking me out to dinner but I felt quite strongly that as it was *my* birthday, at the least I was going to make them explicitly uninvite C if that was their preference. (I asked; they went "um" & then agreed that he could come. And it was fine, so that's good.) Anyway: yeah, it can be distressing. My working assumption in my case is that they'll get used to it over time, and I'm happy to wait. May: it may be that people assuming you'd be happy to be there if you were welcome is not to do with obligations to the elder generation, but with the fact that it seems from the above that Eileen would want you to be there. And whilst that doesn't mean you *have* to go (obviously), I think there is an assumption that visiting your partner's family, if the partner wants you to, is something that in general you just have to suck up & deal with :-) (And it may well be a reflection of people's own preferences - I know I would be very sad if either of my partners wouldn't come to family stuff with me.) My parents would rather I wasn’t poly, and to some extent demonstrate this by treating me as if I wasn’t, and only inviting one partner (the one I’ve been with for years & before getting into the poly thing!) to stuff.

My current way of dealing with this is to continue to mention both partners in conversation, to let them invite who they will to stuff at their house, and to include both my partners if they’re visiting my house. Because, as you say: their house, their rules. (TBH a lot of the time I visit them on my own, anyway.)

The one time this has been problematic was my last birthday, when they were taking me out to dinner but I felt quite strongly that as it was *my* birthday, at the least I was going to make them explicitly uninvite C if that was their preference. (I asked; they went “um” & then agreed that he could come. And it was fine, so that’s good.)

Anyway: yeah, it can be distressing. My working assumption in my case is that they’ll get used to it over time, and I’m happy to wait.

May: it may be that people assuming you’d be happy to be there if you were welcome is not to do with obligations to the elder generation, but with the fact that it seems from the above that Eileen would want you to be there. And whilst that doesn’t mean you *have* to go (obviously), I think there is an assumption that visiting your partner’s family, if the partner wants you to, is something that in general you just have to suck up & deal with :-)

(And it may well be a reflection of people’s own preferences – I know I would be very sad if either of my partners wouldn’t come to family stuff with me.)

]]> By: maymay http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1109 maymay Sat, 22 Dec 2007 06:11:21 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1109 Obligation is a funny thing. For so many people, it seems so natural to assume that the elder generation, by virtue of being elder, should be the ones we as the younger generation are obligated to respect. As you know about me, I see this as ageist and unfair and, consequently, rather an important stereotype to dismantle as it is the core of a vicious circle that has caused respect to be equated with age. Children and <a href="/2007/06/28/baby-face/" title="As you are well aware…" rel="nofollow">young people deserve better</a> than that. Not that this is actually what you are talking about in this post—it's not, really—it's just something it reminded me of that I want to write about one day. In the mean time, I find it somewhat strange that so many people assume I would want to spend time at the table with your family member even if I were welcome there. Which, I suppose, comes back to my first point about these people's beliefs regarding obligations and respect. Hmm…interesting. I shall have to think more about this. Obligation is a funny thing. For so many people, it seems so natural to assume that the elder generation, by virtue of being elder, should be the ones we as the younger generation are obligated to respect. As you know about me, I see this as ageist and unfair and, consequently, rather an important stereotype to dismantle as it is the core of a vicious circle that has caused respect to be equated with age. Children and young people deserve better than that.

Not that this is actually what you are talking about in this post—it’s not, really—it’s just something it reminded me of that I want to write about one day.

In the mean time, I find it somewhat strange that so many people assume I would want to spend time at the table with your family member even if I were welcome there. Which, I suppose, comes back to my first point about these people’s beliefs regarding obligations and respect.

Hmm…interesting. I shall have to think more about this.

]]> By: L. http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1107 L. Sat, 22 Dec 2007 05:00:58 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1107 Just wanted to say I've been reading along as this whole "saga" (a word that sounds both too dramatic and not even close to dramatic enough) has unfolded, and I'm both sorry that this continues to be a challenge for you and impressed with the grace, courage, and determination with which you continue to face it all. Hang in there. Just wanted to say I’ve been reading along as this whole “saga” (a word that sounds both too dramatic and not even close to dramatic enough) has unfolded, and I’m both sorry that this continues to be a challenge for you and impressed with the grace, courage, and determination with which you continue to face it all. Hang in there.

]]> By: Patty http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1104 Patty Sat, 22 Dec 2007 03:19:30 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1104 Eileen, that makes perfect sense that you want to keep some things private. I am amazed that you can share what you do. And I can understand keeping some of it from your family. Who tells their grandmother about the hot sex they just had? ;) But as a member of a very large family, we find that by respecting each others' choices we keep the lines of communication open. And that makes for a stronger family, which is something that is important to me. Eileen, that makes perfect sense that you want to keep some things private. I am amazed that you can share what you do. And I can understand keeping some of it from your family. Who tells their grandmother about the hot sex they just had? ;) But as a member of a very large family, we find that by respecting each others’ choices we keep the lines of communication open. And that makes for a stronger family, which is something that is important to me.

]]> By: Robin http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1101 Robin Sat, 22 Dec 2007 00:06:12 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1101 It is their home and you have to honor that, as sad as it is. It will also be their loss if you are spending less time there as you pointed out. I would hope that over time they realize their misjudgement and reassess this barrier they are putting up and welcome May to the table. Glad to see you post and hope you and May have a lovely holiday. It is their home and you have to honor that, as sad as it is. It will also be their loss if you are spending less time there as you pointed out. I would hope that over time they realize their misjudgement and reassess this barrier they are putting up and welcome May to the table. Glad to see you post and hope you and May have a lovely holiday.

]]> By: Eileen http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1100 Eileen Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:22:47 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1100 fallen_soul, Thank you. Patty, I stepped away from this, got a cup of coffee, and came back to it. Here's the thing - I agree that it's important that my family respect my choices. But at the same time, I don't actually think they have an obligation to welcome my partners into their home. It is, after all, <em>their</em> home. However, such situations will obviously mean I spend less time around them than I would otherwise, as my priorities diverge. fallen_soul,
Thank you.

Patty,
I stepped away from this, got a cup of coffee, and came back to it.
Here’s the thing – I agree that it’s important that my family respect my choices. But at the same time, I don’t actually think they have an obligation to welcome my partners into their home. It is, after all, their home.

However, such situations will obviously mean I spend less time around them than I would otherwise, as my priorities diverge.

]]> By: fallen_soul http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1099 fallen_soul Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:16:34 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1099 Eileen, Hang in there as best you can. Laughter does help, even the painful laughter. And kudos to May for handling the situation as well as he seems. Time, as they say heals... or at least dulls the wounds sometimes. fallen_soul Eileen,
Hang in there as best you can. Laughter does help, even the painful laughter. And kudos to May for handling the situation as well as he seems. Time, as they say heals… or at least dulls the wounds sometimes.

fallen_soul

]]> By: Eileen http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/comment-page-1/#comment-1097 Eileen Fri, 21 Dec 2007 18:43:43 +0000 http://bloodylaughter.com/2007/12/21/when-does-it-get-better/#comment-1097 Hi Patty - It's . . . complicated. A bit more complicated than I think is appropriate to get into on the blog, at the moment. Sorry :). Hi Patty -

It’s . . . complicated. A bit more complicated than I think is appropriate to get into on the blog, at the moment. Sorry :).

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