I’m not the man they think I am at home, oh no no no
I’m a rocket man . . .
I’m very good at compartmentalizing. I am, in fact, a master of compartmentalization.
I realize the blog has been dark for a few days. It will continue to be for the duration of my stay with my family. I’m caught up in a tension so fine that sometimes, over meals and stupid jokes and laughter, I can almost convince myself it’s imaginary.
I keep trying to write and can’t. I want to write about acting parts, and how that differs from manipulating my personality. I want to talk about guilt and obligation, and where that falls in my life alongside love. I want to talk about why I trust people, and what I need, specifically, to trust.
I want to talk about writer’s block, and how when I have it I feel as though my grey matter has been replaced with silly putty. I want to talk about the decision I’m still wrestling with: do I force a conversation? I think I do. That scares me shitless.
For me, almost everything somehow traces back to my family, an intricately tangled psychological map. Sex was my one escape, my one place of personal growth that didn’t tie into that tangle.
But now, it does.
10 Comments
Hi there,
Been thinking about you and how your holiday is going.
Get the “compartmentalization” thing. I’m a master myself. Not in a bad way. It’s not a matter of stuffing and supressing at certain times or being a false self at other times, it’s just which parts of me I choose to access or show when.
FWIW, I don’t feel as if anyone is entitled to the whole of me. My husband and a couple close friends come close to knowing the whole me….because I feel completely safe and accepted, I guess, but mostly because they are the people *I want* to share the 360 view with.
You’re kind of a smart lady, so I’ve noticed. You’ll figure out what’s right for you.
hugs, E
Dang, E is beating me to everything this week. But really, compartmentalizing is only bad when you feel like you shouldn’t have to do it.
Stop “shoulding” on yourself. There is a Buddhist adage which says that most people live in the past or the future, i.e., ruing what was or was not done, or afraid of what might happen, instead of trying to live in the present.
But some of us live in the imaginary world of what things “should” be like, “if only…”
Not many of us are ready for a Heinleinian world in which our sex and intimate lives should – or could – be an open book to our families.
Guilt and obligation are all tied into the “shouldness”. Your task – your mission – is to determine how much of that is in the fantasy, imaginary realm, and how much *really* affects your life in the hear & now.
And when you do, would you please let the rest of us know how you did it?
kthxbai
I hope that rather than having to continue to compartmentalize and stress, this potential forced conversation can become a beautiful learning experience for both you and your family member.
Good luck.
Thanks for the comments, guys. E, I think you and I have similar views of how we present ourselves to the people in our life. Tom, I’ll get right on that mission. Check back in in a decade or so. Sara, I think I should clarify that I don’t actually consider compartmentalization to be *bad.* And definitely not synonymous with stress. As for the conversation, well . . . we’ll see.
Sh*t- did I really write “hear”? Must be karma – I just flamed somebody else for doing the exact same thing. :-\
I wasn’t being flippant. It’s very difficult to manage that part of us that we feel special about, be it sex or pottery collecting or whatever; to define and delineate those parts of us that we’ve nurtured and cultivated, and to decide how much of them to integrate into other aspects of our lives.
Compartmentalization is what keeps a ship at see afloat if part of the hull is compromised or breached. It’s both part of ship design, and an emergency safety feature. It can work if the damage is not too widespread, and the compartment dividers hold.
However, in the event that compartmentalization saves the ship, inevitably the ship will need drydock time to repair. It’s not a sole or lasting solution.
Good luck with your family and with the conversations you plan to force. Would that I had more or better help to give, but I’m pretty deeply closeted myself, esp. when it comes to my genetic relatives.
Hi. I’ve only recently stumbled on your blog, and I’m not even into BDSM. But because I started reading you right before your awful experience, I was touched by your situation. Personally, I think you ought to follow a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with your family. And cut this visit short. But I have avoidant personality disorder and am biased in favor of “cut and run” ;).
That is such a great analogy. Thanks, SJ!
I am going to second maymay on that. SJ, that is a great analogy.
I do what I can. :-)
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