Comments on: Fin

By: NomSecret

NomSecret — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 02:17:10 +0000

I agree with Ranai, that a book might be another way to offer information about what your relationship actually is. Your family member may not be willing to talk about it with you, and you might not want to explain it in these circumstances, but IMO a book is something he/she could read bits of without even telling you she/he had, and that might make it easier for them. That said, if you don’t want to, you don’t have any duty to educate your family. That’s their job, and unfortunately you can’t do that for them/he/she.

I love Postsecret too.

By: Ranai

Ranai — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 14:37:45 +0000

I don’t need to point out to you how far the “violence” remark misses the point. For violence to exist there needs to be a victim. Where is the victim in consensual SM? A willing person who consents every single step of the way is not a victim of violence. In fact it can happen that people who engage in SM in their private life, without pretexts and for no other reason than that it is part of their sexuality, might choose a deliberately nonviolent approach in other contexts.

To be a member of a sexual minority in which we practise, according to Alison M. Moore’s words “a playful, sexualised parody of non-consensual abusive dynamics” at times may even give some of us a keen perception of pretexts under which actual violence disguises itself.

The offer to answer questions honours you. However it could be that being the person to provide basic education on SM to your family member may be too much to ask of yourself. And especially under these strained circumstances.

Has someone perhaps already suggested Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt’s book “When Someone You Love Is Kinky”? Sure, your family member has no obligation whatsoever to read such an introductory text, but freeing oneself from prejudices may be a liberating act to anybody. This offer may not be taken up either, but my impression is that offering the means of self-education is really all you can do in this situation.

By: alterisego

alterisego — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 09:41:18 +0000

I was going to express the same ideas Rona did (though she did it better), so I’ll just say that I’m very glad indeed that you feel inclined to write again.

By: Eileen

Eileen — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 03:45:20 +0000

Thene,
I have heard a lot of guesses. It might interest you to know that they’ve been almost entirely, consistently wrong.

Rona, Robin -
Thanks.

By: Robin

Robin — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 00:38:31 +0000

It is sad that the family member interpreted your actions and equated the lifestyle with violence when it has nothing to do with that in the traditional sense. My heart hurt for you hearing those words, “I’m trying to let you go” and yet in some ways, you will have to do the same thing. It is that letting go of our perceptions of that person that has to go so we can move on. Hopefully that process will allow you two to find some neutral ground in the future, after all there is blood involved. I am glad you want to write again Eileen.

By: Rona

Rona — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 00:34:34 +0000

*hug*

I’m trying to let you go.

I was going to write that that must have been an extraordinarily painful thing to hear. What if you don’t want to be let go?

And then, I realized that, in some ways, being let go could be very empowering. As long as there’s some chance you could choose to come back.

I’m very glad you’re writing again. I’m sorry your hurting, but once again I’m impressed by your ability to find the positive moments and remember that they do love you and you them. Even though you’re both having a hard time.

By: Thene

Thene — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 00:08:15 +0000

y’know, I’d be really interested to find out, not which family member it is, but which family member your readers are guessing it is. You’re describing the shape of a relationship and leaving us to put a label to that, if we want to.