The events of the past six weeks (damn, six weeks already) have put me off the Internet. I have commented scarcely, posted rarely, abandoned my Scrabble games in lonely binary heaps. Curiously, in this age there is actually such a thing as an electronic hermit.
But, all things pass.
I’ve recently started reading Axe’s blog, ever since I got a few chances to chat with him in person. Axe is a sweet, smart submissive guy here in New York, who writes primarily about his search for a relationship with a dominant woman. I get the impression that his search has morphed into something of an epic quest at this point, spanning several years and causing him to move from the midwest to New York City.
As is often the case for those of us with experientially based learning styles, for me recognizing a thing is not the same as knowing a thing. As such, I often come to long foregone conclusions in my own way, and in my own time. Getting to know Axe has really driven some issues home for me, issues that Maymay and others have been writing about for ages.
Where the hell are all the dominant women? Where are the women like me?
The supposed scarcity of dominant women is bemoaned, condemned, dismissed and mistrusted. And yet, my experiential evidence within the New York scene confirms this scarcity.
And, a less-recognized issue but one that I find personally just as relevant: Where are the other couples in relationships like mine?
I think I’ve remained so persistently blind to this imbalance because addressing this issue demands that I acknowledge exactly how rare I am. I have no real sense of personal rarity in my life; it consistently surprises me that other people are not like me.
Obviously there are multiple issues at work here, which play against one another. The scarcity of dominant women in the scene says many (predominantly negative) things about how scene space welcomes women, and how the dominant sexual orientation is portrayed and understood. The scarcity of femdom/malesub couples speaks to the scarcity of desirable, sane, smart male submissives, which in turn illuminates how the scene marginalizes that brand of sexuality.
Honestly, folks, there’s too much at work here for a single entry, or even a single blog. Here’s my suggestion: for more insight on how scene space “welcomes” dominant women, I refer you to the brilliant, bitter Bitchy Jones. For more insight on how submissive men are marginalized, see Maymay’s entire blog.
Just right now, just here, I want to talk about what the scarcity of dominant women means to me, as a dominant woman in the public scene.
Axe writes not once but twice that Maymay and I are the only femdom/malesub couple he knows. This confirms my experience; we are the only femdom/malesub couple I know as well. The rare dominant women I do know in passing are usually dating dominant men.
I intend to keep my data on a meatspace level during this entry. Yes, I know other dominant women online who are like me. We make similar choices about our identities and maintain similar relationships. And I have online friendships. But, for me, they’re not the same.
The part of my brain that thinks the world should make sense finds it strange that Axe has not met an appropriate dominant woman. He’s a polite, sane, well spoken submissive man: an attractive rarity. He’s good looking, has great kinks, and a charismatic ‘nilla personality.
But it is ranging on impossible for him to find a partner.
I’ve had three long-term relationships with submissive men, at the age of 24. I’m picky as hell, but I can find partners. On the other side of the coin, I’m the first dominant woman Maymay has dated. Before me, he dated three submissive women.
Believe me, I understand how much the imbalance created by the scarcity of dominant women works in my favor. I see how unfair it is to him when Maymay and I compare our numbers of potential play partners.
I understand how desirable my age, gender and orientation are.
There’s a part of me that deeply distrusts this desirability. After all, it’s not particularly reassuring to know that one is the best choice because one is the only choice.
I suspect we all feel, at times, as though we are unseen. Being a young, sexy, dominant woman gives me privileges in the scene that I don’t earn. I show up, and people give them to me. At the same time, being desired (or respected, in a culture that consistently confuses sexual attraction with respect) because of a particular flux of timing, genetics, and orientation makes me feel like a cardboard cut out.
Of course, from many perspectives I have nothing to complain about. Inherited privilege trumps any kind of card I might play about feeling insecure, or unseen, or unwanted. In a world where rights are gained through suffering, yet again, I have no right.
I wrote after I came back from Floating World that I was wrestling with the difficulties of supporting a fluid culture from a standpoint of relative stasis. This was true then of gender, and it’s true now of power.
I firmly believe that power balances shift, that people are capable of embracing multiple roles and defining themselves as they choose, in as many ways as they choose. In short, I believe in the existence of switches.
Right now, however, I am not a switch. And perhaps because I love fluid people, the overwhelming majority of my friends are switches. Most of remainder of my friends are men who top and women who bottom. Within my circle of friends here in New York, there is not a single dominant woman besides me who does not switch. I know dominant woman as acquaintances, and almost never in couples.
The simple truth of the matter is, I have no friends like me.
Where are the other dominant women? Women my age? Yes, in friendship and the exchange of ideas on related experiences, age does matter.
Women who don’t switch, and are doing their best to incorporate that choice into their lives? In an avidly fluid, changeable culture, and possessing a chameleon-like personality, that choice is sometimes very hard for me to manage.
Women who’re smart, and wise, and local? Where are you? Could we have coffee sometime?
34 Comments
I used to know a fair number of dominant women in DC, and I’ve met a few here as well - but whereas in DC there was a decent mix of sexual orientations, the ones I’ve met here have primarily been lesbians.
I am not sure what to say. As you know, I wasn’t able to name that many when put to the test by you earlier today. I am a little confused by the statement you made about rights gained through suffering, though.
Rona: Unfortunately, I’ve not yet been able to find a comfortable space in all-women scene situations. I’m hoping this changes in the future.
Victor, I suggest you read the posts linked under the words “yet again” That statement (which I should clarify that I don’t actually agree with) is part of an ongoing theme and thought process.
We both keep saying that moving to Australia, for this reason and others, will be a breath of fresh air. Fresh, yes…different? I’m afraid of getting my hopes up because I don’t want them dashed again.
“Women who’re smart, and wise, and local? Where are you? Could we have coffee sometime?”
Can’t help you with local, I’m not local. But MY Mistress is here, in Western Canada. She was raised in Kentucky and in Michigan; she came from money, and her family in the south was one of those families that owned the store and most of the fields. She was further related to the county sheriff, who pretty much ran things with an iron fist.
As a child she was called “Miss Tanya” by black adults, who said it very respectfully. I firmly believe this, and other circumstances surrounding her youth, instilled in her an expectation that things and people would bend for her as she wanted them to.
And STILL she was not fully confident as a dominant until she met a sub who encouraged her to find her center and stop being concerned with what others thought.
You’re right. There are not great scads of dominant women out there. There are more than there were a decade ago. No, they do not frequent clubs, for the reasons you allude to. There is very little which a club can offer them, as I believe the most successful women dominants have much more to gain from isolated environments which contribute to their personal power and comfort. Clubs are made of pestering creatures and are inherently competitive. Why should a dominant woman seek out such a place? What is in it for her? More submissives? She can have all she wants off the street. More contacts with women? My Mistress would say she has no interest in the women who go to clubs.
Take from that what you will.
Alexis, my experience with servants is that the people who have grown up with them tend to treat them far better than the ex-pats who have had staff for the first time, most of my recent ex-girlfriends have grown up with servants and there does not seem to be any sexual connection with them at all.They were just poor girls from the countryside, or in somewhere like Singapore they would be from poorer neighbouring countries), with a job to do. They would usually work for 2 to 3 years to earn enough money to buy some land, then they would go home and get married. Chauffeurs and guards were always men and would keep their jobs longer if they were any good.
MayMay, Oz has the reputation of having quite a large alternative community, so I am sure you will find somewhere to fit in, just as well really as your blog gives the impression of someone who is slightly socially inept.
I knew you were writing this post of course and have been anticipating reading it for days and days. As you know I’ll have no answers for you in this comment but I will say this.
This is the single greatest title for this topic that you could have ever picked. Holy smokes! I’m still smiling because of it!
Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce
Thank you
Well, the utter lack of dominant women was noticed by me when I was a little subbie out on my own looking for a mistress. On the other hand, my public community is consisted almost entirely of people over thirty, and most of them are closer to forty.
Now that I have the jading advantage of having a wonderful Mistress, I know of several dominant women. One is a pro in an F/m relationship that seems bumpy at best, one is an older woman in a F/mf triad of sorts, one is a ridiculously cute and well-dressed (ahem) woman that seems to shovel in the male subs, and… none of them are for me.
At the risk of speaking for my Mistress, I know she’s bemoaned a sense of isolation for a long time.
Is there anyone I relate to in the community myself? A few. Not many. Depends on were I go.
I know that one coffee meeting I went to for community submissives only was about 75% women. Everyone there was an amazing person.
Now I’m going to get my knuckles rapped for crosstalk. :-)
maymay:
I had a session with my shrink that ended in him saying that my my certainty that life will be a series of disappointments and frustrations is one of the main forces by which I fuck up my life. Don’t get to that place if you can help it - I’m there, and it sucks. Australia will be different, though maybe not in the most useful ways. You’ll find out how when you get there. On the upside, you will be close to the source of the best single-tail leather in the world. :-)
Eileen:
I probably count as a switch. Maybe I should count as purely submissive, at that feels more accurate to the experience of trying to be whatever it is that other people relate to me as being. For me, there are people towards whom I feel naturally dominant, people towards whom I feel naturally submissive, and people towards whom I naturally feel a peer relationship. A friend of mine talked to me about how her need for D/s is frequently met in her life outside of kink spaces. I have heard of this happening in strongly D/s hierarchies, like in the military, or in organized skilled trades, or strong teamwork structures, like pit crews for race cars. Maybe some of the dominant women you’re not seeing are hidden inside such structures?
I’ve met a few women in the scene who claim to be dominant. The ones nearer your age lack your confidence. The ones that seem to most like your peers in terms of confidence and capability are generally older. Perhaps there’s a process of finding oneself that most people haven’t gotten as far along as you have?
Also, I’ll post the writing on attitude towards scarcity again here, because it feels relevant here too. For those who haven’t read it, it’s a good little piece on how to view the availability of things you want.
http://theferrett.livejournal.com/1031094.html
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for writing this sensible piece. It really surprised me how many exclusively dominant women there were in my local scene. It surprised me because there are plenty of binary people–there are certainly enough submissive women, and dominant men, and submissive men to go around–and because there’s a decent amount of female dominance and female toppiness, it’s just that a large portion of that is articulated by switches. As a (quite natural, but still irritating) result of that, I’m routinely assumed to bottom as well as top, as a sort of default setting.
I do know one other woman who is, like me and like you, exclusively dominant and under 35. I know another who seems to be transitioning from switch to dominant. I started by identifying as a switch too, and I’m wondering if the relationship between youth and inexperience and fluidity might have somewhat to do with why you don’t see many exclusively dominant women in their mid-twenties.
As I think about my social circle, it occurs to me that the few women I know in femdom/malesub relationships are often switches. Dominant-inclined switches, I’d assume, but switches nonetheless. )I don’t know whether they all switch in terms of power as well as sensation–some could very well be dominant masochists, but I know at least one does some very power-oriented scenes.) Huh. I’m a dominant woman, and my primary partner is a dominant man, while the women I know in female-led relationships are switches. I wonder what that means.
Toni, thanks for proving my point about how men are “supposed” to act: a submissive man will always be seen as “socially inept” by people who view social aptitude through the current hegemony. Give me a native environment full of dominant women and I’ll thrive.
SJ, I know: ‘Tis nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so.
Alexis-
Part of me sympathizes with this comment. It ties back to the issue of how scene spaces welcome women. (And men, for that matter.) On the whole, I’m far more comfortable in spaces that provide me with the opportunity to foster friendships as well as potential sexual connections. Clubs are not generally those kinds of spaces.
And admittedly, a shared sexual orientation does not a friendship make.
As for being “fully confident” as a dominant, I’m honestly not even sure what that means. Elaborate?
Jos-
Everything you said makes a lot of sense to me, except this bit. Does having a Mistress actually make it *easier* for you to meet dominant women?
There are a lot of amazing people in the scene, and I’m thankful to know many of them. I don’t think that having friends who share my orientation, age and gender would be any better than the friends I have now. I simply would relish the expanded perspective.
SJ-
Knuckle rapping is fun, but I also happen to like cross-talk. Cross talk away!
I admit, recently I’ve been making friends with people generally 5-15 years older than I am. This gap hasn’t really posed much of an issue for us in becoming friends. But I do know people closer to my age who have my level of capability and confidence, but not my orientation. I have to wonder if this is simply because of the particular group of people I know, or if it’s a more common theme.
Thanks for linking to that LJ post. I really enjoyed it, and it ties back into a lot of the things I’ve been thinking about recently. A lot of how we deal with resources has to do with our perspective on those resources. And indeed, sometimes our perspectives are so ingrained that we don’t even see how they affect us. I think, on a related vein, that you might very much enjoy the video I have linked on my sidebar at the moment, which deals with the human capacity to manufacture happiness.
Sophiste-
Yes, yes! This is exactly my experience as well.
Perhaps. I can definitely see how those elements might combine to create such a situation. But that begs the question of why we then still see young, exclusively dominant men, submissive men, and submissive women? What does that say about the way in which potentially dominant women approach their orientation? I don’t know the answer to that question yet, but I fully intend to muse more upon it.
maymay-
If you keep quoting Hamlet at me, I’ll have to mention The Scottish Play by name, and we’ll all be screwed. :-)
Though I wonder if you got it from the TED video Eileen mentioned.
I don’t think the upshot of this is that there are no better and worse situations, or that the better or worse is solely decided by one’s happiness with the outcome. The upshot is that attitude and biology can make one more or less happy in a situation than might be predicted by, for instance, a purely materialistic evaluation of the situation.
Eileen-
Watched the video, and bookmarked it for future review as well. I liked it, and it’s interesting. It looks to me like synthetic happiness is an adaptation to being fundamentally powerless to alter the world. Since greater happiness seems to improve both sexual selection fitness, and general survival fitness (happy people are sexier, because they’re happy, and they tend to survive longer), it seems a likely trait to spread, and to remain stable in a population. However, it looks like it wires us to be miserable as we become more powerful. Probably something we’ll have to engineer out of humans once we get good enough genetic engineering and strong nanotech.
As for people and competence, I agree with you that there don’t seem to be as many confident, competent young dominant woman around as there are confident & competent young people that are either not women or not purely dominant or both; there seems to be many people in the later categories.
I wonder if the lack of peer-aged dominant friends is a social behavior result? Groups in general seem to have an alpha, many betas, and sometimes one or more omegas. Maybe the people that you would like to know that are as dominant as you mostly have formed their own cliques, thereby limiting direct interaction?
* raises hand* Over here, here I am… I exist… I’m a non-switchy, lifelong, dominant woman, with a normal life. In a functional d/s relationship. If I’m out here, there must be more.
Why are people like me hard to find?
I’ve never entered into the public scene of munches and clubs, never been “out” to anyone but my lovers, and until the internet, never really talked to other dominant/sadistic women (or random submissive men, for that matter), except for a few friends from high school, and no lengthy or ongoing conversations there, either. More like winks and nudges, and a feeling of this is a fine way to be.
In my 20s, I thought maybe being kinky was a stage I would grow out of. Happily, I discovered that was not the case. But even now, well entrenched and very comfortable with my kink identity at 38, I don’t seek to meet other dominant women in real life, or feel a need to come out any more than I am. I have no sense of isolation. I have no reason to be visible as a dominant woman. The internet is the only reason I have any visibility at all, and if I wasn’t interested in kink issues and others’ opinions, I might not be in the online community either.
I’ve had four previous submissive partners (three of them long term relationships). My husband is the only partner I’ve had who had previous relationships with dominant/sadistic women. I’ve never had trouble finding partners, but I don’t think that has anything to do with my sexual preferences. I imagine I’d have found partners easily if I were vanilla too.
So where are we? Hidden in plain sight, maybe?
Funny, Jos and I are in the same scene, but I know more dominant women than he does.
our pro pal
the cute young dom with all the boys
an older stylish dom with a lot of boys
an older unstylish dom who is poly but has a serious d/s relationship going with her submissive
another older unstylish dom we saw at the tree-trimming thing but who I don’t otherwise know
the dom who is part of the dom/dom couple
Some of them may, like me, be switches (to some degree or other), but I haven’t seen any of them switch. And I have seen more women top scenes than just these I’ve listed. And this is at our small club.
I don’t know. It’s kind of a mystery to me. I don’t feel underrepresented in our local environment.
I’ve noticed this as well, fwiw: I switch, but I can only think offhand of one woman I know personally who is exclusively dominant. Mind you, I can’t think of that many (read: one, off the top of my head) exclusively dominant men, either. (I can think of a couple of men and women who exclusively sub.) I know quite a few switches who incline more one way than the other, but that’s not what you’re after either…
I’ve always kind of assumed that this in part reflects the fact that most of my social spaces (in the sense of people I actually know; consider friends or at least acquaintances) overwhelmingly consist of folk who are poly and/or bi. Which is also about fluidity. (NB I am not, of course, saying that fluidity in one aspect necessarily requires it in another - just that I can see whence a tendency for this to be the case might arise.).
This is a great post, and while I can’t relate, I can agree with your observations from a distance - from what I’ve seen, there are far fewer dominant women in the local scene than any other gender/type combination, and while I am friends with many switches and one or two dominant women, I think you and may are the only dominant woman/submissive man couple I know.
However, I do disagree with this statement: “The scarcity of dominant women in the scene says many (predominantly negative) things about how scene space welcomes women…”
I came into the scene as a bottom and a submissive. I wasn’t entirely clear yet on who I was, but I was getting there. The scene didn’t define me, I came into the scene already formed. If anything, the scene culture has encouraged me to switch again and again, which I think feeds into the desire for more dominant women. And I have topped now and then on occasion, but it’s never really been me. I still don’t consider myself a top or a switch.
I do see how a dominant woman coming into the scene might view the makeup of the current scene at a meeting, party, etc., and get the idea that she is not welcome, or least that she is not common.
…Yes, ‘’tis indeed a puzzlement…Why do dominant women seem so scarce…Why such an imbalance…Is it social conditioning or Mother Nature…But hey, she’s a dominant woman herself…As a straight, submissive man, I used to bemoan the “imbalance” just like your friend Axe. But I was much, much younger then…. Maybe I died and went to heaven (or Avalon) or I’m living in the Bizarro world, but it looks just the opposite from where I stand – on the West Coast – now. And, fortunately, counting a good number of out-there dominant (older) women in my friendship circle these days, I get to hear them complain all that time that while they get hit on by horny avowed subs all the time, they have a very difficult time finding any REAL SUBMISSIVE men…among all the “posers, players and other phonies” who, in their opinion should stick to masturbating or paying to play if they just want a woman to act in their fantasy enactments… I’m sure you are familiar with this litany…So what’s wrong with this picture? It is simply a failure to communicate? I hear this over and over in conversations and correspondence with women who are real about their dominant inclinations and definitely don’t want to sub or switch…lots of older women, especially, exploring their sexuality after divorcing or being widowed from long, conventional, middle class marriages…
They want to define their kinks and pleasures for themselves, and will ask for ideas when they need them, thank you…and why don’t you guys just listen and talk women like human beings, about everything…not just their kink laundry list? They don’t do laundry anymore…You know all this too, and Bitchy Jones, as well, certainly has written some lively screeds on genuinely dominant kinky women annoyed by the stereotyping and travesty by which both general and even kink society too often tries to define them…(I’m not saying, by the way, that this applies to Axe or any of your friends, just what I what I’m told by my own friends…being an inveterate collector of people’s stories…) If you think about what women say generally about men and relationships in the vanilla world, this isn’t all that odd, really. A good man is hard to find, they say…(I add that a good woman is hard to find too and that everyone has at least some trouble finding her or his ideal, vanilla or kinky.)
Zero2Infinity, I will agree with a lot of what you say, with two caveats: West coast and “older” women. One of the reasons I am so in love with San Francisco is precisely because whenever this topic comes up, someone invariably brings up the West coast. As for older women, I know of (as opposed to know, personally) quite a fair number of older dominant women, though the disparity of their visibility versus that of older dominant men’s is still absolutely massive. Frankly, and it’s not only because of their age (though I admit, as a 23-year-old submissive man, it is partly the generation gap), I find myself completely uninterested in them.
*I’ll call myself Sue II to distinguish between the other Sue already posted!
I have to agree with much of what QueSera said. I’m a fully dominant, non-switchy woman. Never did switchy type things. Didn’t start out submissive. Fully comfortable with my dominance. And never dug the “scene.”
I think there are many like that. Most of the dominant women I know, outside of a few cities (namely: Manhattan, Los Angeles, and San Francisco), are like that.
The “scene” doesn’t just not-welcome us, it’s unappealing as all hell. A bit like a swinger’s club, but with whips. Ew.
Behind closed doors is where all of my experimentation, play, and actual real *gasp* relationships with submissive men has taken place. Where do I find them? The same place everyone else finds people, I suppose. In life.
Rereading this post over coffee this morning and this jumped out at me:
He’s a polite, sane, well spoken submissive man: an attractive rarity. He’s good looking, has great kinks, and a charismatic ‘nilla personality.
Since the discussion revolving around the rarity of dominant women seems to have the ‘rarity’ of dominant women at the center of it… perhaps it is wise to look at it from a slightly different perspective: comparing like to like.
Maybe there isn’t such a disparity in the numbers. If you compare the number of Dominant Females who are actually dominant (not submissive/nilla playing a role, or switchy) and who are sane (etc.) to the number of submissives who are actually submissive (not dom/nilla playing a role, or switchy, OR just fetish oriented (which is farrrrr different than submissive in my book))and who are sane (etc.) … perhaps you get closer to even-on odds?
Interesting thought.
In my three years of primarily F/m blogging I’ve run across more dominant women who are single and looking than the traditional lore would suggest. They aren’t matrifascists or anything like that.
They also are normally not in urban settings. I think they’d be delighted by Axe or men like him. Lonely humane and articulate dominant females really are out there.
You’re not at all off the mark, Sue II. In fact, you’re so on the mark I think it bears repeating:
The “scene” is largely useless to dominant women who want to find an “attractive” submissive man because the scene is not a place where many attractive submissive men can be found (by whatever definition of attractive the women we’re speaking of hold). The (aggravating) dichotomy in my experience is not dissimilar to vanilla dating, only more pronounced: by and large, men search, women browse.
This creates a situation where submissive men have two main options: look for dominant women in non-kink circles, where the chances of success are pretty much a crap shoot, or look for a dominant women in kink social groups, where the chances of success are similarly poor.
If the anecdotal evidence this post has gathered is any indication, it appears most “attractive” dominant women do not advertise their dominance (which makes sense, it’s clearly not the best way for them to meet “attractive” submissive men). How, then, are dominant women and submissive men going to be able to get together?
I suppose this may be nitpicking, but I think the scarcity of dominant women you talk about may be more common in the pan/het scene. In the dyke spaces I hang out in I know a fair number of dominant women who either don’t switch, or switch but rarely.
I understand that D/s relationships are different between men and women who are both non-trans, but if you’re looking for more dominant women may I suggest LSM, or some other space for queer women?
I think one thing that pops into mind whenever I read all of this about the angst is that, as maymay points out, it isn’t all that different from vanilla dating.
The exact same frustrations are voiced, if the criteria are different. Whatever quality it is that narrows their romantic or kink search, is illusive.
Perhaps the same dating advice applies (although if anyone comes out with a kink version of the rules, I’m going to literally LOL): be who you are. Focus on the things you like to do. Meet likeminded people and keep your mind and heart open. Focus on other things in your life, well-roundedness is always a good thing - even for attracting someone. Add in all other cliches and dating advice you like.
It really isn’t all that different.
From what I hear vanilla people saying in their bland nonkinky world? It isn’t exactly easy there, either!
Perhaps I didn’t make my point very well, but my point was that perhaps neither the kinky dating advice nor the vanilla dating advice is really worth a damn, since it’s obviously not very good for anyone, not that the best advice for kinky dating is the same as vanilla dating.
And yet, angst and (important) personal issues aside, the fact remains that Eileen can much more easily find many more “attractive” partners than I can, as can the majority (though admittedly not all) of dominant women who advertise their dominance can do. The inverse is simply not the reality.
Also, Kylociraptor (that is an awesome name, btw!),
I think there’s something to be said for the fact that the scarcity of dominant women out in public scene spaces is more prevalent at pan/het spaces, yet in a women-only community, I’m sure it surprises no one that all the dominants are women…y’know?
Dating advice is probably the completely wrong phrase to use (even tongue in cheek), since the part I think applies has zero to do with dating.
Live your life to the fullest. For you.
I suppose it’s silly in it’s way, and doesn’t necessarily increase the chances of meeting someone, but life’s better that way. Yanno?
I too bemoan the perceived shortage of dominant women yet I have to believe many women who identify themselves as dominant are simply not part of an organized D/s scene and like to keep their interests to themselves and the submissive they select. I have certainly gotten the sense over the past several years that more and more women are becoming comfortable with exploring their dominance; they’re just unlikely to do so in clubs or other like-minded venues because being public about it doesn’t suit their needs.
john
Well I’m a bit older, but I’m still looking forward to having coffee with you!
There are our there, there is quite a few here in south florida. I am a switch that is in a dominant masochist(meaning I bottom but I don’t indetify as a submissive) relationship with my primary and I am in the process of finding the right submissive secondary partner.
Before meeting my husband I had quite a few femdom relationships, I am looking for that femdom relationship again with a secondary submissive partner.
From the sheer fustration of finding the right submissive male that actually will let me be Dominant in my own fashion and not his script I would say that it’s equally hard to find a real submissive male.
For Axe, just to let you know finding the right partner sometimes does require a quest search.
Having been in two really good M/s with submissive partners, I will continue my quest until I find the right one.
I found this lovely couple and though I would share.
http://swansmyst.blogspot.com
Fabulous Domme and Her lovely male sub.
Enjoy!
Firstly, thank you very much to His Pride N Joy for mentioning our blog. Twas very kind of her.
And as a Mystress with a male sub.. I’ll join the other’s coming out of the woodwork to wave their hands and jump up and down, and add our voice to those that are out there. I’m afraid we live in Northern California however, a bit far off to have coffee. But would sure love to if it was possible! And have our lovely male subs kneeling and serving it as well!
Like many others, I do not participate in very many public ’scenes’, and no clubs. I prefer Paladin’s service to Me to be in private with just Myself, or perhaps a few select friends from time to time.
While I am now a very strong Dominant woman, I am not a ‘femdom’ sort. Nor as I have written on our blog, is Paladin your ‘regular’ male submissive. He is not remotely inclined to be submissive to anyone I’ve not Commanded him to be. Anymore then a Knight would have knelt in submissive service to any but his Queen.
I think we are all out there.. quietly (or not so quietly) living our lives and enjoying them. And so, do we. And in the spirit of that, I am glad for the blogs that link us, teach us, enlighten us, and through which we can all share our experience’s together to enlighten ourselves and those like minded ones who desire to be. I learn so much from what I read out there. Some of them I just shake My head in amazement at.. and others I bring back to our relationship and find ways to incorporate into us for the betterment of us. Other’s I tweak a bit to suit our own special brand of D/s.
And on that note, I see the hour is late,
So I bid goodnight to all, and wish all the best and continued growth.
Mystress
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