Today’s post is dedicated to one of the niggling, nagging annoyances of kinky life that I wish to permanently destroy.
Here’s the situation. Maymay and I make a kinky friend or two. Perhaps we’ve chatted at a party. Maybe we meet someone new online, or we find ourselves in touch through an event or meeting. In any case, the lines of communication are open. All parties have access to all relevant email addresses, et cetera.
And then, a day or two later, I will get a sweet, polite email in my inbox. It will usually express how great it was to meet the two of us, and sometimes propose a date for coffee or extend an invitation. All seems well, yes?
Except I’ll go ask Maymay if he’d like to take that date, or act on the invitation we’ve been given, and I’ll be greeted with a blank stare. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he’ll say. “I didn’t get that email.”
What has happened? Does the Cc box not work for kinky people? Is Reply All on the fritz?
This has never, ever happened with correspondence to us in a vanilla context. It has happened several times with correspondence in a kinky context. And it is weird, annoying, and occasionally downright inappropriate.
Yes, it’s true that we live together, and we see each other’s emails. It’s true that we read each other’s blog comments and Twitter feeds. It’s true that messages for him will still find their source through me. But I find the method rather nonsensical, especially regarding events and invitations. If you have something to say to Maymay, say it to him. His contact info is so easy to find, you can trip over it.
Why does this happen? Sometimes, I suspect laziness. But frankly, how hard is it to type another email address?
Other times I suspect that although I’m the dominant one, Maymay is the more intimidating. I advise all parties concerned to get over this. He is intimidating, and abrasive. He’s also worth knowing.
And occasionally I do think this is a technical goof. Not everyone is email savvy: forgiven. Once. Email is not like the telephone. Believe it or not, more than two people can participate in an email conversation.
Most commonly, I fear, correspondance that should go to both of us ends up sitting in solitary in my mailbox because kinky people have this persistent, annoying tendancy to assume that because I am dominant, I am also the main point of contact in our relationship’s public face. (And yes, our relationship does have a public face.) This trickles down into all kinds of dangerous assumptions, not the least of which are:
That we’re in a 24/7 D/s dynamic. (Technically I’d argue we are, but we don’t advertise that fact, and we don’t suspend collaborative decision making.)
Or, that dominants make decisions, and submissives take orders. In social contexts, in scene contexts. What’s next? Shall I start ringing my boy at lunch to tell him how much sugar to stir into his coffee? Destroy this terrible, awful assumption before we all make ourselves out as assholes. I’m not our manager.
Or, that I speak for Maymay. Frankly, no. Just no. And I think that when meeting the two of us this should be obvious. But apparently it isn’t.
New acquaintances have no idea what roles Maymay and I play in our relationship even if they do know our dynamic. And really, it should be fairly easy to see that addressing mutually applicable emails only to me implies that you consider Maymay to be an unequal partner in our relationship.
Point the first: Maymay might be an unequal partner in some parts of our private relationship, but he is most definitely my equal counterpart as far as our public face is concerned.
And point the second: Unless we tell you otherwise, to treat the two of us as unequal partners of our own relationship disrespects us. Both of us.
Newsflash: non-consensually disrespecting submissives is still a shitty thing to do.
This behavior is a precise, miniaturized version of attempting to negotiate scenes with Maymay through me. I have said before, and I will say many, many times again: he does his own negotiation. Take it up with him.
Let’s dispense with the assumptions, and bring back the Cc box. I’m sick of playing messenger.
7 Comments
I wonder whether this is gendered, as well? In that I notice a social tendency to treat the female part of a male/female partnership as the diary-responsible part.
Hm, oops, I think I was guilty of the exact opposite - only emailing Maymay when the invitation extended to you as well. Hopefully that didn’t annoy you too much!
As to why, I’m not sure. I guess I just am used to one-on-one conversations - when it’s a single email invite, I’ll default to emailing multiple people but when it’s more complex or a conversation i just usually fall into the paradigm of “pick one person”. Hm.
I cc if I have both email addresses or if I felt an immediate equal connection from both parties. When I extend invitations I also cc Gander so he knows what is going on. BUT. If I was only able to really “read” one member of the duo or if I just felt a stronger connection or I sensed that one was more like…email me and I’ll arrange it. Then I don’t cc.
But I am usually preternaturally sensitive to social issues. Though I do fuck up on occasion.
Juliet,
Potentially? Although honestly, I’m not a scheduler. May is a scheduler. We don’t fit many of those gendered social tendencies. Although I realize no one would actually know that. You and Goose and Jade all bring up good mitigating factors, which make sense on a case-to-case basis but don’t really make sense when faced with the consistency with which May and I encounter this series of events.
Jade-
No, actually. I don’t think you even had my contact info. No worries!
I get the “complex conversation” thing, but I don’t find that those first few “hello, how are you” emails really fall into that range. Also, sometimes we do have complex email conversations that only make back it to me, even when I Cc Maymay on my responses over and over. (Reply All on the fritz again.)
Goose-
While it makes sense to contact a person who volunteers to take on arranging something, I commonly don’t volunteer. (Again with Maymay being the “scheduler” of the two of us.) I opt for always Ccing invitations when I have the info. I admit, I didn’t used to do that, but this little annoyance has made me much more aware of email etiquette.
I get the want to reach out to someone you have a stronger connection with. Perhaps it’s a case-to-case thing, when that happens?
OMG I cannot agree MORE with this post! Even with Tyler and I, I seem to be more likely than her to receive the kinky emails, especially weird when she’s the way WAY more computer-savvy one of us. Pups aren’t automatically the “submissive” end, even in real life. Lol.
BTW, your hair is amazing! I wish soooo badly I could fuzz it up good. *^_~*
I also wondered if this had anything to do with gender. I get most of the emails for me and Jason - partly this is due to the fact that Jason never replies to emails and everyone knows that I’m the scheduler in our relationship, so if they want to make plans with us, they should go through me. However, this now happens when someone is trying to schedule something one-on-one with Jason - they’ll write me to be the go-between. It’s incredibly annoying on both ends - that people email me, and that Jason can’t seem to schedule things for himself.
On the D/s spectrum, I’ve also wondered if people think I handle our schedule because I’m submissive and it’s a service. And it’s nothing of the kind - I’m the scheduler because I’m responsive and good at organizing, and it’s part of the way we construct our relationship based on who likes to do what and who’s better at what.
Interesting…have you called anyone out on this, and seen what their reaction was?
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