I’ve been thinking recently about the defining questions in my life. I came about this backwards; I was confused and vaguely melancholy for a very long time, pulled every which-way like a glob of sticky taffy. I kept asking myself what I wanted, and harping on myself for not being able to answer the question.
For one thing, I have not yet sorted what I want to be from what I want to have. Everything is all mixed up, and in the meantime I look in the mirror and feel as though my skin is quicksilver and my eyes are changing color.
I want to use power tools and cook scones, and date women, and date men, and date everyone in between. I want to be a woman who wears suits and a boy who wears skirts. I want to start a PR business, and live on a sailboat, and bike across the country, and be a fashion designer, and run conferences the right way ’round. I want to be a country singer, and a travel writer, and a sex god. I want to make the world better, and I want to make the world work. I want high, rounded breasts like doves hung from my collarbones, and I want a girl with long hair to go exploring over. I want shoulders and arms like a man – like my first kinky boyfriend’s shoulders, triangular and etched in the hard flesh of military life – and I want a man to fuck who has those shoulders, and also long hair, and also the thick softness of a good life tucked into the curve of his swelling hips, ass in the air. I want people who love to cry for me, and with me. I want everything. I want to know who I am.
The thing is, the question is wrong. It is too simplistic for subtlety of planning, and to big for specific action. It is the question of a girl nestled in grass looking at stars; I am not that girl, right now.
The questions I should be asking myself are cleaner, crystallised.
Questions like these:
Do I want to integrate my queer identity with my professional career? How would I do that? What would it feel like? How would it hurt me, and how would it help me?
How should I manage my personal brand? How much energy should I invest into it, and is it worth investing in when split into two halves? Right now it is spinning and wobbling like a cloven coconut, and how do I put it back together without spilling all the juice out?
Should I keep up with my art? Should I focus on developing my design skills? Should I take up photography again, and does that mean I should buy a proper camera? Is oil painting worth my time; is any non-digital medium going to satisfy me?
What kind of work do I want to be doing? Is writing enough for me, or should I be looking into how to integrate my writing with activism, education, organization and social media? How do I do that?
How much of my activism is based upon my location and the people around me? Are the things I want still the same when I am by myself, alone?
Which of the hundreds of thousands of projects I conceptualise are worth developing? Should I be drawing comics, drafting book ideas, building websites?
What do I want to say to other people, and what is the best way to say it?
Where am I strongest?
These are better questions. I don’t have the answers, but these are my current thoughts. This is where I am, today.
5 Comments
I’ve been asking a lot of similar questions lately now that I’m getting out the City soon, and the City has fucked me the hell up. One thing I find helpful is to prioritize. Because some goals might be equally important or fulfilling but at different times, and I drive myself insane thinking too far in advance (well, either too far or not far enough. I either have to think twenty years ahead or one month ahead. Anything in between will kill me).
“How much of my activism is based upon my location and the people around me? Are the things I want still the same when I am by myself, alone?”
This is a particularly thought-provoking question.
I’ve been experiencing similar struggles around my writing–do I go forward or stick with the very nice and productive career I’ve already developed?
Part of my problem, I think, is focus. I want it all, all ways. Narrowing my scope becomes difficult but staying broad makes me overwhelmed. Sigh. Good luck to you, I look forward to seeing what you come up with!
bike across the country
Heh, I’ve been doing this (well, kinda; bike & train, limited time) & can definitely recommend it :)
More generally: I’ve been asking myself a lot of similar questions recently, although in slightly different format. In particular about work, and identity, and activism (in more than one arena). I’ve spent the last 3 months travelling on my own (hence being absent from the internets) & it feels a bit like everything’s been shaken up and is starting to come back down again, but I’m not yet sure *where*. I’m not due home for another 6 months, although I’ll settled-elsewhere rather than actively nomadic from the New Year. I’m kind of hoping that on my way home I can start thinking seriously about What Next, and that some of the answers will have come up from underneath in the meantime.
For me, I think the specific questions are muddled up with the big-picture questions, right now, and you’re right, separating them out is a good idea. One of the big ones for me is about where I want to direct my efforts, and whether that is going to be something that looks like paid work or not, and if *not* (which is definitely possible atm), where does the rent-money come from instead?
(The travelling helps. What am I getting out of this time? Is that something I want when I’m back home, or is it a temporary out-of-normality thing? And I’m pretty sure that one of the things that’s shaking down at the moment is a greater self-awareness, and self-possession, and preparedness to be honest, brutally so if necessary, about what I want. Taking myself away from other people’s demands, and from a context in which I am accustomed to making certain sets of demands on myself, has been – eye-opening.)
I want to make the world better, and I want to make the world work.
That rings some very noisy bells…
Ha. I wonder if everyone around a certain age comes to these questions, or if they are particularly prevalent for everyone just now.
wonderful post! these are the big questions, what you want and how to get it, and they never stop being the big questions, but knowing you want to live with passion means you have a road map to get there. Happy holidays, Susan
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