Yes, although at the time I said I’d probably never do drabbles again, I am taking the 200/words a day challenge up again. (I think I might only go 25 days this time, instead of 50.) I’ve found that I keep losing post ideas, in my bed or on the street or in the folds of our very squishy couch. I feel a sort of obligation to this space, as though I don’t want to release any of my thoughts until they’re fully formed and ripened. I’m trying to loosen that death-grip, a little bit. It is part of an ongoing project I have to trust myself more.
It seems strange to say that I don’t trust myself, but it’s true that I can see my own weaknesses, and they worry me. One that occurs to me tonight, as I sort over password requests and Fetlife messages, is that I am not an immediately good judge of character. I never have been; it takes me quite some time to solidify my understanding of a person. (This is one reason I like blogging, where I can mine the characters of people from the tunnels of their archives.)
Until my opinion settles, I always give people the benefit of the doubt. This is usually okay. Sometimes it is not. And it worries me. I alternately worry that I trust too much and not enough. I worry that I’m going to get myself hurt over and over. Then, I worry that I worry too much. Then I generally laugh at myself, until I am all right again.
4 Comments
Tunneling people’s archives? Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?
Is it that you are not a good judge of character or is it that you don’t listen to your gut? Those are two different things.
When I am being a bad judge of character it is usually because I am not listening to my gut… at least personally.
Hey John! Thanks for commenting!
You make a good distinction. I think I sometimes ignore my gut reaction to people beyond when i ideally should. But I also sometimes misjudge people in my first interactions with them. I often can’t tell the difference, and so choose to delay my decisions until I’m sure of the way I feel.
I think part of it is that you’re simply too unwilling to believe how stupid so many people actually are. Very few people, even good-hearted people, are actually as capable as many others, including yourself. This doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes them unworthy of your attention. Harsh, perhaps, but true.
Niceness is a tool—not a virtue.
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