19. Feather Sink

Went out to a friend’s for dinner last night, and we just got home. My friend is a chronic hostess; I don’t think I’ve been fed so well in months. May and I crashed out on a spare bed in her place for the night, and as I hit the pillow I thought to myself: Oh god, I forgot about real matresses.

When we moved here we did  not buy a mattress. We were budgeting, and we didn’t know how long we’d stay, so we bought a foam pad, thin, soft, and malleable. We figured we could always replace it in the future.

Ten months later, our foam pad has dips carved where our bodies rest in the night, and we still have not replaced it. It is obvious now that we will not. We will only be here two more months; two months and three days, in fact.

Last night I sunk into this feather nest of pale green cotton, and May and I slept like dead and drunken logs. It felt amazing to sleep that way again. It makes it harder to think of sleeping on our foam for the next two months, and then the inevitable bumps of couch surfing and floors and whirlwind unsettlement that await us before we can finally start building our home again. I want to do it right this time. I want to find a place I can paint and push and pull and make just ours, just right. I have not had a chance to do that, yet.

11. Swinging About

There’s a remarkable lack of holiday chatter on my feeds at the moment. I wonder if that’s a time zone thing, or if people have, as a whole, given up on the idea of showing off their holidays in public.

The holiday has made me nostalgic, and the nostalgia has really killed my sex drive. It’s sort of hard to be sexual when my body wants to curl up on a couch and eat cookies, and my brain swings back and forth between animal comfort and thundershower tears. I do miss my family today, and my friends. But it will be all right.

I find that sort of swinging emotional and sexual drive somewhat confusing. This morning I woke up feeling sick, as though I had been hung over for three days. I think my body revolted against my sleep schedule and lack of vegetables. Then mid-day I ate, went out, felt a bit of a tingle and maybe a goosebump here and there. I came home to my boy, and we put out candles and flowers on our couch and watched movies. I welled up briefly, in something akin to loneliness. And then we cuddled, I was better, but I could not rouse myself to sex. May’s skin against my own was far too soft and comfortable; I simply wished to stay in that bubble. I like it there.

I am sleepy, and it is far too late into this night. I will figure this sex-swinging body out in the morning.

9. Masturbation

This morning as we were walking, Maymay and I talked about masturbation. I said I was surprised by the idea that someone would masturbate to me. He laughed, and told me that the first night he met me, he spent the conversation painfully aroused and then went home and jerked off with me all through his head. I laughed, delighted.

“I masturbated to you too,” I said. “After that first party when we played together, and I was so envious of the boy you were playing with. I went home and thought about you.” He became small and gleeful when I said this.

Then, he said something that surprised me.

“It is safe to assume that every man who asks to play with you either has masturbated to you in the past, or will maturbate to you in the future, regardless of whether or not you play with him.”

And when I turned to him and raised my eyebrows, he added, “It’s not just you, by the way.”

I thought that was strange for about three seconds, and then I began to run my masturbatory fantasies over in my head.

“Oh yea,” I said. “I do that too.”

Sans Weapons, Sans Gear

Maymay reviews for Eden Fantasies, and last time around he and I sat down and picked out something resembling a cock case. It’s a strap-on with a hollow center that he can wear over his own penis during sex to essentially give himself an eternal, non-stimlating erection. Sounds delicious, no?

But when it arrived, all shrouded in bubble wrap and cardboard, I laughed aloud. I had failed to realize the essential flaw in this sexy plan: the thing is fucking huge. It is the size of my forearm; I feel vaguely as though it could be used to skewer a donkey.

Needless to say, at this point in time I have no intention of having sex with it.

So it’s sitting on our dresser now, alongside its case, my library books, and glasses cleaner. Every once and a while I pick it up and wave it at my boy. I’d attach it to the strap-on harness, but we don’t have a ring big enough to hold the monster.

Eventually I’ll find a place for it, somewhere in our teak box between the nylon and the hemp. The box is overflowing these days, as the weapons and gear of our sexuality gather to us.

I like that we still work without the toys, that we are still kinky naked, with nothing but our hands and mouths and tongues. Last night I wrapped my arm around May’s shoulders and held his wrists in my hand. With my other hand I cupped his cock, and stroked the tip of my thumb up and down the length of him over and over, until he had tears in his eyes and he whimpered like an angry child. He still had his t-shirt on, a soft cotton thing that smells like Old Spice. When I stopped he was angry, although I saw him try to hide it. His frustration was very sharp, and he thrashed on the bed and whined.

I rested a little while, while he struggled and pouted at me, his hands writhing inside mine. I closed my eyes and drifted toward the very edge of sleep. But I could feel the scene still in the air, like ending a concerto on an open tone.

“I like you like this, when you feel owned,” I said to him. I like him when every breath on his skin thrills him. I kissed his ear, his neck, pulled down his collar and licked his collarbone, pulled up his shirt and dragged my teeth against the barbell through his nipple. I kissed down his stomach and when I put my lips to the head of his cock he shrieked, almost sobbed into the pillow.

When he came, arching his ribs so that he stood off the bed like a bridge of flesh through the air, he shot so far he hit his own neck and shoulder, white streaks all over the thin cotton. And as he came I couldn’t help but think of water guns.

“Ah ga buh,” he said, when he could say things again.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” I smiled.

“Buz ugu ma.” He slurred the sounds, closed his eyes, long fingers sprawled across his sticky belly.

“I think I have broken you. Have you forgotten how to speak?”

He nodded. We giggled a little, and when I pushed him off the bed to shower he walked in zigzags, holding one hand to the wall to keep himself upright, all fluid, heavy limbs.

Casanova

No, not the romanticized idea. The man. Giacomo Casanova.

I’m utterly cheating on this post. I admit it. At least this cheat is words, instead of the rambling audio journal I’ve been picking up in random moments. Do ya’ll need to hear my musings upon the deliciousness of guacamole? I think not. Obviously guacamole is delicious.

I walked into a little bookstore in the Rocks and picked up a slim black paperback with a rose etched on the cover: Of Mistresses, Tigresses, and Other Conquests. The inside cover informs me that this is a selection of excerpts from Casanova’s unfinished 3,600 page memoir, Histoire de ma vie.

And I took it home and started reading, and ridiculously, laughed out loud sitting alone on my couch. Because Casanova? A pre-computer-age sex blogger. Definitely.

Here are a few choice excerpts that pushed some of my blogging buttons:

If, dear reader, you examine this preface well, you will easily guess its purpose. I have written it because I want you to know me before you read me. Only in coffee-houses and inns do we converse with strangers.
I have written my history, and surely no one could take exception to it. Still, am I wise to present it to a public I know only in the worst light? No. I know it is foolish. But since I need to keep myself busy and to laugh, why should I refrain from committing such a folly?

In recalling the pleasures I enjoyed, I relive them, while I laugh at the pains I endured and no longer feel.

What depraved tastes! And how shameful to acknowledge them without blushing! This reproach tickles me to laughter. Thanks to my coarse tastes, I am so shameless as to believe myself happier than the rest, first of all because I think my tastes make me more sensitive to pleasure.

And for a little something extra, some 18th century T&D action:

With a trembling and timid hand, and watching her with eyes that begged for mercy, I untied the six wide ribbons that closed her dress in front, delighted that she did not stop me, and found myself the happy master of the most beautiful bosom. Time was running out. She was obliged to allow me to devour it after contemplating its charms; I raised my eyes to her face and there read an amorous sweetness that said to me, be happy with this, and learn from me to suffer abstinence. Driven by love and all-powerful nature, and in despair because she would not allow my hands to roam elsewhere, I did everything I could to guide one of hers to the place that might persuade her that I deserved her mercy; but with a strength greater than mine, she would not move her hands from my chest, where there was nothing of interest to be found. Nonetheless, this was where her mouth landed when her lips left mine.
Out of necessity or the fatigue of spending so many hours without being able to do anything more than continuously swallow our mingled saliva, I fell asleep in her arms, holding her close in mine.

Pornographer

One afternoon a few weeks ago, I’m sitting with an older gentleman who’s become something of a writing mentor for me in the past few months. Among other projects, he’s helping me in my attempts to wrangle out a book about kinky young people, and kinky sex, and deviance in general.

We sit for a while, and he reads bits of my story, and we talk about the relationship of character and action. He becomes interested in a character: a boy who stands against a wall with his shirt off, his eyes closed and mouth open, completely silent as a girl with a grin presses a knife to his face, and then hits him in the shoulder. He’s a character I based off the Boston Boy, except I’ve changed his name and re-imaged his life, and kept his face, his body, and his nuances of sound.

How does this character’s silence betray his personality? My older friend asks me these and other questions. He calls my writing “acceptable” and I laugh at him, a little.

We talk, and I think aloud, and then he apologizes for kicking me out so soon. A famous author is coming to see him, and I just don’t rank. That’s all right, I assure him, I understand. And as I say it, the famous author is at the door of his office. We are both caught by surprise.

My friend introduces him to me. “Nice to meet you,” I say as I shake his hand and smile.

“Nice to meet you too,” he replies. He is very short, and round, and I like him. I have heard his books are terrible.

My friend then introduces me to him. “This is Eileen,” he says. “She’s a pornographer.”

I smile again. “Well, aspiring.” I amaze myself with my own suaveness.

The famous author looks between the two of us, and then everyone chuckles. “I’ll be one of your best customers someday,” he jokes, although I wonder if he’s really joking.

“Great,” I respond, “someone’s got to read it.” And I smile one more time, and say goodbye. As I walk out of the office, down the stairs and into the light rain, I think how proud I am that I caught that curveball and threw it back. And I wonder when I became content with my pornography. And I wonder how many times I’ll have to catch that ball again.

I go to a library and find a desk by a window. I curl up in the chair, and then I write about sex.

1. And, Go!

Recently Alexis took on a writing challenge: 50 posts in 50 days, at 200 words per post. Unexpectedly, I love reading this experiment from him. He distills well, I think.

Rather than give you another list of things I’m thinking about, as I am wont to do when my personal life eats me like an enormous whale, I think I’ll try this challenge.

I’m committed to about 25,000 words in the next three weeks, for work. These words demand weight and structure. They need to be edited with a fine toothed comb. Gah.

In a psuedo-past life, I made corsets. I put this in the past tense because I didn’t bring my sewing machine to Australia. But I miss corsets, not only making them, but having the confidence and occasion to wear them. I designed my own patterns, as well.

I brought one bolt of corset fabric with me when I came here. I couldn’t bear to leave it. It’s navy velvet with gold overlay, and it makes my fingers ache to think what a beautiful corset it could be. Soon it might hurt hard enough to make me sew by hand.

Not that I need another project. Right.

Friday Night And Sweet White Wine

I wouldn’t usually allow myself the indulgence of posting in this blog while completely knackered on wine and Friday night promises. But I am just drunk enough  that I’ll let it slide. Just this once.

Here’s what I wanted to say, the thing I probably wouldn’t say without that sweet white wine:

I also have an oral fixation.

May is siting across from me right now in a leather armchair, with his leg stretched out along the beige carpet, and when I look at him I think, “Fuck dominance, fuck dignity, all I want to do is lick my way up the skin of his legs, his hips, his stomach and neck, and sate myself in the texture of his hair. All I want to do is lay him down on our bed and let my mouth go roaming.” My mouth tingles with the thought, his soft, butter-smooth skin catching on my lips, opening to me, offering to me.

His skin is like vanilla ice cream. I look at him and want to eat him up with relish, like a delicacy. Earlier he brought me my wine in a tall water glass, and I pulled him up against the rough fabric of the couch, scraped my teeth over the fleshy head of his cock and tried like hell to ignore how much I wanted to just bite down.

There is a weird fucked up paradox that places want and need in submissive spaces. The part of me that is a drunken, dominant, desperate connoisseur is here to tell you: that is bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I want May so badly it hurts to look at him. My mouth aches for him. My fingers tingle when I think of touching his velvety, amazing skin. 

I want him. Fuck all the shit that says I shouldn’t want, that says I have distance and control. I have no distance. I barely have control. My lips pulse at him, the urgent need to just push him to the floor and devour, to pick him up and curl him in my arms and eat him whole.

Just A Few Words

Not an actual entry.

The following is the list of words (sans personal information such as some proper names) that I have taught my computer’s spell check to recognize over the past 3 years. I think it speaks for itself:

underbust overbust grommet autosodomized mackinac cunnilingus lube squick squicks Maymay Blaise femdom blogosphere dipshit safeword pansexual pansexuality Bornstein podcast cunt Milton polyamorous Conversio Virium tantra Philament transgender fictocritical

Oh, and Mac users can find this list by visiting their home folder -> Library -> Spelling, and opening the file “en” in the Text Edit application. I invite you all to see what you’ve been teaching your computers. Just don’t mess with the text once you’re in there. (And thanks to May for finding this information.)

Interlude

On the platform of the Inner West line at Central station a few nights ago, May grabbed my hand and pointed. “Look!” he said excitedly.

A few yards ahead of us, a tall, skinny boy dressed in black was walking slowly. He had long arms, long legs, broad shoulders, and his face, turned briefly, was pale-skinned and pretty. These things, however, I noticed only in retrospect.

He had thick hair the brilliant color of red gold. It cascaded off his shoulders and trailed down his back in wavy sheets, thick, curly pools of hair that ended just below the small of his back. It was the most beautiful hair I’d ever seen.

I stared, open-mouthed. My body tingled in simple lust.

May started off, deliberately tracking the boy down the platform. I hissed at him to stop, but followed. The boy paused by some benches, and May and I took up places a little ways away.

May was watching me, grinning. “Why don’t you go talk to him?” he said.

I shook my head. “I’m not going to go up to some totally random stranger.”

“Come on,” he urged. “Just say hello.”

I stood awkwardly, watching as the beautiful boy took his headphones from his bag and began to fiddle with an iPod. Behind me, our train started pulling into the station. My stomach felt tight, knotted up like wet rope. I dipped a hand into my bag and pulled a card from my wallet.

Almost collapsing from the sudden stage fright, I crossed the platform and edged into the boy’s vision. I flashed him a smile, and he returned it as he took his headphones from his ears.

“Hi,” I said. “I know you must hear this a lot, but your hair is really remarkable. I think it’s gorgeous.”

“I do hear that a lot. Thanks.” His voice was light. My eyes edged the clear lines of his cheekbones. His beard precisely matched the red-gold of his hair. “I hope I brightened your evening,” he said.

“You definitely did.” I held out the card. Behind me my train’s doors were opening. I could see May watching me, smiling. “Give me a call sometime if you’d like to get coffee or something.” I held out the card, and as he took it skipped back across the platform and nipped through the closing doors of the train.

I followed May to a pair of seats and collapsed, suddenly shaking. “Oh God,” I groaned, “I can’t believe I just did that. I’ve never done that before.”

“What’d he say?” May asked eagerly. I focused on relaxing the pit in my stomach as I told him. Suddenly I started laughing.

May was startled. “What’s funny?”

I wrapped my arms around my middle as I laughed. “Is that what meeting people is usually like?” I turned to him and made a face. “God, that sucks.