20. Body Topped

Tonight I got sick, and Maymay crashed. I suspect he has some kind of mild food poisoning, although it’s also possible that he has simply pushed himself too far and his body is staging a rebellion. He is falling asleep now, next to me. This is a very early bedtime for us. In the past few weeks I have commonly seen the wrong side of the dawn.

I have the very beginning of a head cold. I can tell, the way my throat feels ticklish and round. This frustrates me. It derails the little stirrings of arousal that I like so much in the very late night. It’s hard to masturbate when I need to sneeze. It borders on the comical.

Maymay sick and horny is like a flopsy kitten ballet. On the one hand, he can barely move his body. But on the other, parts of him twitch and rotate without him even noticing. He makes small noises in his throat that echo the small noises of my squeaky, wheezing nose. It would be quite sexy, were it not mildly gross.

I have been feeling off, of late. My dominant instincts keep lying to me, telling me to try things I know don’t work. I have taken to pulling May’s hair, even when I can already see that he doesn’t want his hair pulled. It is like I’m trying to force the issue.

What is that, I wonder? Is my energy unfocused? Am I not paying attention? Am I looking for validation? Or am I just having a string of bad days?

It’s all right. every time I veer off, I always come back. It just takes a little while to learn to work the buttons again.

19. Feather Sink

Went out to a friend’s for dinner last night, and we just got home. My friend is a chronic hostess; I don’t think I’ve been fed so well in months. May and I crashed out on a spare bed in her place for the night, and as I hit the pillow I thought to myself: Oh god, I forgot about real matresses.

When we moved here we did  not buy a mattress. We were budgeting, and we didn’t know how long we’d stay, so we bought a foam pad, thin, soft, and malleable. We figured we could always replace it in the future.

Ten months later, our foam pad has dips carved where our bodies rest in the night, and we still have not replaced it. It is obvious now that we will not. We will only be here two more months; two months and three days, in fact.

Last night I sunk into this feather nest of pale green cotton, and May and I slept like dead and drunken logs. It felt amazing to sleep that way again. It makes it harder to think of sleeping on our foam for the next two months, and then the inevitable bumps of couch surfing and floors and whirlwind unsettlement that await us before we can finally start building our home again. I want to do it right this time. I want to find a place I can paint and push and pull and make just ours, just right. I have not had a chance to do that, yet.

16. Finding the Balance

Had a comment on my last post. The post sort of jumped the track of my wandering narrative. The question was, how do Maymay and I strike a healthy balance in our relationship? 

We pay attention, and we talk a lot. We identify issues and do the work we think is best to solve them. And really, I think that’s it.

There is an idea that having a healthy relationship depends, in some way, upon finding the “right person,” but I’m not sure that’s true. I have had many healthy relationships in the past, and have many at the moment. I have even had relationships end in healthy ways. In every case, they were the right person for me at that time, for whatever it was we were doing.

And then, every relationship I’ve ever been in that was hurtful or unhealthy had issues stemming from problems in communication. Perhaps that’s why I’m so obsessed. And, perhaps that’s why I’m so neurotic, and why the self-awareness tag in this blog keeps growing.

And as for whether Maymay is the “right” person for me, right now, he is. And he continues to be, in a way I’ve never seen before. We are suited to each other in the long term, which is why we’re pushing four years together and we’re still talking, every single day.

15. Time Apart

Before I moved in with Maymay I had never shared a room with another person. I had never had a roommate, or split an apartment that wasn’t housing under the jurisdiction of an educational institution. And considering that I moved in about five weeks after I met him, it still surprises me to this day that our living situation has never gone horribly wrong.

One of our recent challenges has been working from home together. The biggest hurdle at the moment is that our sleep schedules are absolutely fucked. It has been rare for me in the past few weeks to hit my pillow before 4am. Maymay does the same. That means we miss a lot of mornings. 

I sleep less than he does. And I wake up more quickly. Truth be told, had my lifestyle not unfolded in such a way that being a night owl is intrinsic to my interests and company, I would be a morning person. I like mornings. I wake up quickly. I write better in the morning. (But I write sexier in the night. Go figure.)

It’s hard for me to work and spend the day with May at the same time. And I have been feeling on the antsy side. There are many reasons we might spend time together or apart. But with living together, working together, being attached to each other, it gets a little much. 

We have been scheduling time apart from one another our entire relationship. That that works well. It means that we’re assured of our own spaces. We have been doing that, of late. It works well. It keeps me balanced. It makes me hungry for him when I come back home.

He is still asleep as I write this. I am going to the beach today. (Even though it looks like it might rain.) I am tempted not to wake him up before I go; he looks so lovely in his sleep. The thing is, it’s good to go my own way for a while. But in truth, I miss him. I miss him even when he’s right next to me. I miss his skin on mine.

14. Moving Plans

Like the last time we moved around the world, I realise now that we haven’t actually communicated our plan for the next few months to the world. So here it is.

We’re leaving Sydney in early March. We will return to New York, for a while. Long enough to see our friends, our families. Long enough to launch Kink for All. Long enough to arrange the scattered pieces of our lives. Hopefully long enough to get Maymay kidnapped, captured and througly played out.

Why are we leaving here, you ask? It’s time. We’ve been in Sydney long enough to know we won’t be making a home here at this point in our lives. The city’s not quite right for us, right now. (This makes me feel like Goldilocks; too hot, to cold, just right. Too big, too small, just right.)

After some weeks in New York, though, we’re moving on. I know there is some hope that we would once again be residents of NYC, but it isn’t time, just yet. So where are we going?

San Francisco.

Why?

Isn’t it obvious?

11. Swinging About

There’s a remarkable lack of holiday chatter on my feeds at the moment. I wonder if that’s a time zone thing, or if people have, as a whole, given up on the idea of showing off their holidays in public.

The holiday has made me nostalgic, and the nostalgia has really killed my sex drive. It’s sort of hard to be sexual when my body wants to curl up on a couch and eat cookies, and my brain swings back and forth between animal comfort and thundershower tears. I do miss my family today, and my friends. But it will be all right.

I find that sort of swinging emotional and sexual drive somewhat confusing. This morning I woke up feeling sick, as though I had been hung over for three days. I think my body revolted against my sleep schedule and lack of vegetables. Then mid-day I ate, went out, felt a bit of a tingle and maybe a goosebump here and there. I came home to my boy, and we put out candles and flowers on our couch and watched movies. I welled up briefly, in something akin to loneliness. And then we cuddled, I was better, but I could not rouse myself to sex. May’s skin against my own was far too soft and comfortable; I simply wished to stay in that bubble. I like it there.

I am sleepy, and it is far too late into this night. I will figure this sex-swinging body out in the morning.

10. Chains

Hmm. Missed a day or two in there somewhere. But that’s all right. Good things are afoot outside the computer screen, and if I could only manage to work as hard as I play everything would be golden.

Yesterday morning I woke May up very slowly. He wakes up one slitted eye at a time, very sleek and small. “C’we try the three corners chains on’a'bed?” he mumbled. 

We have a few lengths of chain lying about. Advantages: cheap, incredibly adjustable. Disadvantages: Very loud on the bedframe. Also, dealing with padlocks. The real advantage: He loves them, I love him in them.

I found padlocks and unearthed keys from our keysafe and my jewelry box, and chained him down in a spreadeagle. He had barely opened his eyes, and was smiling and moving against them like a lazy sloth. I put a blanket over him, another over me, and crawled on top of him. I curled up on his chest, put my face in the hollow of his shoulder, and we fell asleep that way. Both of us blissed out, him drifting, me cozy. Perfect.

9. Masturbation

This morning as we were walking, Maymay and I talked about masturbation. I said I was surprised by the idea that someone would masturbate to me. He laughed, and told me that the first night he met me, he spent the conversation painfully aroused and then went home and jerked off with me all through his head. I laughed, delighted.

“I masturbated to you too,” I said. “After that first party when we played together, and I was so envious of the boy you were playing with. I went home and thought about you.” He became small and gleeful when I said this.

Then, he said something that surprised me.

“It is safe to assume that every man who asks to play with you either has masturbated to you in the past, or will maturbate to you in the future, regardless of whether or not you play with him.”

And when I turned to him and raised my eyebrows, he added, “It’s not just you, by the way.”

I thought that was strange for about three seconds, and then I began to run my masturbatory fantasies over in my head.

“Oh yea,” I said. “I do that too.”

4. The Way of Small Things

I have a touch of claustrophobia, at times. I will not be bound. I will bite if I cannot move, and when I take up space I stretch so far my joints make popcorn noises. 

Maymay, on the other hand, blisses out in tiny spaces. One night I folded his arms over his chest in a cross and tied them down that way. I’ve never seen him smile so wide. In bed, he wraps the blankets ’round himself like a burrito, or wedges his ass into my belly and folds his body into every nook and cranny of my own. Even day to day, in the way he sits and stands and walks, there is restraint. He holds his lips in, sometimes, and it makes me a little bit regretful because he has such lovely lips.

I joke that he is pocket sized. I want to create some sort of sac that I could fold him into, like fetal mummification. We play sometimes that he is verysmall and I am verylarge.

It is only when he sleeps that his restraint truly relaxes. When I wake up in the morning and shut off my alarm before he can roll over, he will be tumbled out along the sheets all fingers, legs, loose and parted lips. Then he is slinky long, and looks like a grown up, or a statue in white stone.

Sans Weapons, Sans Gear

Maymay reviews for Eden Fantasies, and last time around he and I sat down and picked out something resembling a cock case. It’s a strap-on with a hollow center that he can wear over his own penis during sex to essentially give himself an eternal, non-stimlating erection. Sounds delicious, no?

But when it arrived, all shrouded in bubble wrap and cardboard, I laughed aloud. I had failed to realize the essential flaw in this sexy plan: the thing is fucking huge. It is the size of my forearm; I feel vaguely as though it could be used to skewer a donkey.

Needless to say, at this point in time I have no intention of having sex with it.

So it’s sitting on our dresser now, alongside its case, my library books, and glasses cleaner. Every once and a while I pick it up and wave it at my boy. I’d attach it to the strap-on harness, but we don’t have a ring big enough to hold the monster.

Eventually I’ll find a place for it, somewhere in our teak box between the nylon and the hemp. The box is overflowing these days, as the weapons and gear of our sexuality gather to us.

I like that we still work without the toys, that we are still kinky naked, with nothing but our hands and mouths and tongues. Last night I wrapped my arm around May’s shoulders and held his wrists in my hand. With my other hand I cupped his cock, and stroked the tip of my thumb up and down the length of him over and over, until he had tears in his eyes and he whimpered like an angry child. He still had his t-shirt on, a soft cotton thing that smells like Old Spice. When I stopped he was angry, although I saw him try to hide it. His frustration was very sharp, and he thrashed on the bed and whined.

I rested a little while, while he struggled and pouted at me, his hands writhing inside mine. I closed my eyes and drifted toward the very edge of sleep. But I could feel the scene still in the air, like ending a concerto on an open tone.

“I like you like this, when you feel owned,” I said to him. I like him when every breath on his skin thrills him. I kissed his ear, his neck, pulled down his collar and licked his collarbone, pulled up his shirt and dragged my teeth against the barbell through his nipple. I kissed down his stomach and when I put my lips to the head of his cock he shrieked, almost sobbed into the pillow.

When he came, arching his ribs so that he stood off the bed like a bridge of flesh through the air, he shot so far he hit his own neck and shoulder, white streaks all over the thin cotton. And as he came I couldn’t help but think of water guns.

“Ah ga buh,” he said, when he could say things again.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” I smiled.

“Buz ugu ma.” He slurred the sounds, closed his eyes, long fingers sprawled across his sticky belly.

“I think I have broken you. Have you forgotten how to speak?”

He nodded. We giggled a little, and when I pushed him off the bed to shower he walked in zigzags, holding one hand to the wall to keep himself upright, all fluid, heavy limbs.